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June 8, 2011

Three Indentured Servant Weave

The single greatest unseen development in sports, that Wilt Stilts has ever seen since he got his new time machine.

Most of the world has been privy to the knowledge that the mediaeval times were a much less welcoming era for sports, as plague and malnourishment led to thin benches and low payrolls keeping many from acquiring star talent, such as Lancelot. This led many to wishing for a way to ward off boredom.

More than 1,000 years ago, a small group of bored knights set out to find a new form of entertainment, as there were no wars to be had at the time. The King had been in a state of peace after discovering opium, and hadn't shelled out orders in over a month, so this group of knights was left to the meadows of France to discover a new and exciting way to simulate combat.

This was the day that the ancestor of futbol was created. On the outskirts of town, these knights rode their horses, searching each and every serf's shack, looking for something that would be able to simulate an enemy. Eventually, the knights got tired of finding and killing brooms and shovels, as they were not worthy opponents, so they began to take the serfs. The head knight, Cozumel, was the first to realize this strategy would be the best.

"Sirs, If you will, I have a solution to this down right pity of a day. We shall collect these serfs, and then put them to pasture, and give them one item of defense, this here spherical lump of feces. This will serve them no purpose, but will give them a distraction. Now, as they are distracted by this ball, we will then ride in and slaughter them. You may ask, 'why slaughter them fore it is not necessary' and I would reply 'Because my father, Fifa, has warned me of the effects of boredom, and to die at the sword of a knight is to die righteously."

The day began with only six peasants on the east lawn of the kingdom. The knights, sitting behind the tree line now, had put an order to all men willing and able, to come to said pasture and collect this ball of dung. What resulted was nothing more than amazing.

"We was told to get this here piece of s***, and it was too heavy for me and my brother Landon to carry, so we thunk to move it with our feet. It worked pretty good. Landon was really good. Then some others showed up and helped us. But then it went crazy."

As soon as the six were in the open, the knights rode, screaming and waving their swords, ready to strike. The first to be attacked was Wayne.

"I dodged the attack but my knee scraped on the ground, and so I just lay there reeling in pain. It hurt pretty bad because the dirt was pretty hard."

Soon the others followed suit, all obtaining minor injuries, and yet, rolling on the ground in pain. The knights were perplexed by the actions of the peasants, and instead of killing them, granted them a pardon for that day as the Knights were on horses and had no way of killing the peasants who were at ground level. This would become a ritual, and from that day on out, the knights would spend the days they were not off at war, chasing down peasants as the peasants stumbled purposely right in front of them, avoiding harm, and simultaneously, inventing futbol.