Our Editor and Chief and Monarch and Czar and President solves the NBA crisis.
|Oy Vey! What a mess.|
The NFL lockout has been a constant back and forth, arguing over the last crumble of the metaphorical pie. It's retarded. And I use retarded because it is exactly that. Cuba Gooding Jr. could have put together a new Collective Bargaining agreement while staying in character as Radio from the movie "Radio."
The NBA is not that easy. In fact, it would take a host of retards to try and solve this problem. If only we could somehow wire a bunch of retards together. Alas, there is no such technology. Therefore I, the smartest of all retards, shall develop my own strategy to fix the NBA's leaking damn.
Issue No. 1: The owners lost $340 million last season.
This one is simple. I know a thing or two about economics. Of course I should, I'm a business major. Here's the simple fix. Start lowering the APR rates. Trust me on this one. It totally worked for the Federal Reserve. Look at America now. Prosperous and boasting the highest unemployment rate in years. It's great.
You may ask, "how do you lower interest rates in the NBA?" Simple. The owners should just borrow the money from the players, at a low interest rate. This way, the owners now have a steady income that they can put toward new popcorn stands. The players get that added benefit of getting paid the interest from the owners. It's called the circle of life. Owners pay players – Players loan to owners – Owners pay players and so on. Hakuna Matata.
What Dave (David Stern) would tell the owners: Look guys. Trust me on this. You always take economic advise from a Jew. Everyone does it. Why not you guys. The players may have been one and dones from college, or not even gone at all, but the one thing they know is that racial and religious profiling is almost always right. Look at Lebron James. He's black. And he jumps high. We can all agree on that. And might I add, he has a large penis as well. See, profiling is awesome, and for Jews, banking is our thing. It's our shtick.
Issue No. 2: The players are currently getting too big of a revenue share.
This one is also very simple, considering it gets fixed in the first issue. Players are definitely getting paid too much, and that is draining the pockets of those poor owners. For most of these owners, basketball is just a hobby. Everyone has a hobby, but who loses money doing their hobbies? Almost no one. And therefore they need to get back in the black. or as AC DC would say BACK IN BLACK CAUSE I'M BACK IN BLAAAACK. The owners venture back into the black by getting cash loaned from the players, and then they turn that into awesome halftime shows, that bring in more fans, and then pay for more player salaries. It's flawless.
What Dave would tell the owners: You know what I'm gonna say guys. I'm a business man, just like all of you. We all went to prestigious universities and got high ranking degrees. We have millions of dollars, and yet, we still know the value of a dollar. That's because we were from humble upbringings. It's what makes America great. Starting out down and then rising to achieve greatness. We've all done it here at this table. Now let's do it again, by signing this 400 page paper. Here's a pin to prick your finger. That's right Dan Gilbert. Sign it with your index finger. No. Don't sign it all big like John Handcock. Yes, we know Dan, Lebron screwed you. No Dan, it is not metaphorically like King James of Britian and King James of the NBA. King James of Britain was performing limits on freedoms. King James of the NBA was exercising his freedoms. There there, Dan. Here's a tissue. It's ok. Let it all out buddy. Hey. Hey. Buddy? Let's sign this thing and go get some ice cream waddya say?
Issue No. 3: Guaranteed contracts are too long
Look, to be honest, at least 90% of the owners in the NBA have no idea what they are doing. When they sign someone, they are thinking they have the next Kobe Bryant, when really they just signed John Salmons. Signing someone to a 6 year deal should be limited to only the upper 1% of players. That is to say that the Dwight Howards and Kevin Durants should be 3 years or more. Anyone who is not going to be a franchise player should not have a contract over 3 years. That is why there should be a limit on the amount of years a team can dish out on contracts.
15 players are on a team at once. To limit contract lengths, that means there should be a cap on how many years are left on contracts remaining on the team. Let's just say 33 years for now. You can dish out those 33 years on any of the 15 players however you like. The bench could be almost all one year players. That would be 5 guys signed each for one year, totaling 5 years. Then you have come off the bench players. Another 5 players totaling 2 years a piece, making 10. That would leave a grand total of 18 years remaining to add to a starting lineup. You could dish that however you'd like. you want to give Lebron 8 years? Great. But then you only have 10 to give to the other 4 starters. Cool idea right? Yeah. I'm fucking awesome at ideas.
I've already addressed this a bit in the upper paragraph. It's simple. Just don't be fucking idiots. Here's an idea. Don't sign Free Agents for more than 8 million a year. No matter what. Stern shouldn't need to baby sit you fucks. The owners are fucking billionaires. All of them. Saddle the fuck up and run your buisiness like a business. You are already cut throat, just fucking cut some throats already. Drew Gooden does not need 12 million dollars. He needs 3. Max. Even at his best time in his career. Stop being fucking stupid. I had a baseball coach once who had a great saying. "Don't be stupid." I like to add a fuck in there to emphasize your idiocy when you don't follow those guidelines. As for keeping Superstars on your team, the Franchise tag will be made. That way you can at least get draft picks if your shitty city is shitty and drives away your players.
What Dave would tell the owners:
Don't need to explain this any further. That would just be redundant.
To put that into English, what I'm trying to say is that this season needs to happen. Everybody is onboard hating Lebron. The NBA needs to combo that into another Finals where Lebron does his best to get as close to a championship as he can without getting one. It is a glorious cumgasm when he fails. I didn't even hate Lebron and the Heat coming into the season. But fuck (ha butfuck) was I ready to watch them fail miserably. Just fail in a way that even Amy Winehouse would witness and say "That was a terrible performance." There needs to be a season.
What Dave would tell the owners:
Wilt Stilts is an NBA insider. He has watched the Finals each of the last 4 years without missing a single game except maybe one or two cause he had work or something. Visit him at www.nbanus.com or on twitter @kberthusen.