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July 13, 2011

The 'Poor Jen' Problem

Jennifer Aniston doesn't need your pity – maybe just a move to my pants.

"Oh hey guys. Yeah, this is how I normally sit."
Jennifer Aniston is very very famous. In fact, she may be the most famous female of the times in America. Name one person who doesn't know her and isn't an Amish. You can't, because she's fucking everywhere. And yet she's called a loser. By someone I guess. Someone who revels in pop culture stories from 2005. 

People back in the last decade used to think that Jennifer was totally bagged by that Brad Pitt character. Who knew a Missouri grad would turn out to be a douchebag? That was so surprising to me that I almost didn't eat my fruity pebbles that morning, BEFORE I WAS GOING TO MY SOPHOMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.

"Poor Jen"? Who the fuck came up with that and can you be hung? This bitch has been the bain of all men who date women existence since forever. She's been shooting Rom Coms out of her cooch and watching them die like Casey Anthony does babies. Pull her movies out of the public domain and we'd be 40% smarter. Jen's movies are literally filler. They fill time, by making you puke. I personally haven't watched one in forever, and don't plan on starting, but that certainly doesn't take her off the hook.

She's a terrible person. Terrible. Just fucking terrible. She's clearly baron, and doesn't want to date anyone because she has a vibrator and it does a better job than anyone can. But that's not what makes her terrible. What makes her terrible is the fact that she has given up on men AND NOT PICKED UP WOMEN. Come on. Whaddya say you make "Black Swan 2: Blacker Swan" where it's 20 years down the road and Jennifer Aniston (formerly Natalie Portman) and Courtyney Cox (formerly Mila Kunis) meet up and then ACTUALLY END UP SCISSORING. And they show it all. Like all of it. Because it's not really sex. Scissoring is like tubing compared to sailing the Atlantic. 

Then we could feel bad for Jen. That's the point when we can feel like we had something to do with it. Telling her to keep her head up. Men are just assholes. Ignore those assholes. And then all of a sudden she's eating muff and people will be all up in arms. LOOK WHAT WE DID. WE MADE A MONSTER. SORRY JEN. SORRYYYYYYYYYYY.......

Wilt Stilts frequently contributes to the spank bank, and certainly has an image of Aniston locked up in high security somewhere. Can't tell you where it is because it's high security. Please visit his website at or on twitter @kberthusen