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July 13, 2011

The 25 Least Enjoyable Players

Based on how much I want them to die.

Heh. Wat?
I've lived 22 years of NFL football, and have gained 22 years of grudges against people. The NFL is most definitely not left out from my grudge war. It's like the war against terrorism, in that it grows more and more each year. My hate spreads like Anthrax in a subway. At this point, I've become a hater of every player that is not on the Chiefs (my team of course), and even then I like to hate some of them. 

With no further Freddy Adu, let's get into these douchebags. 

25. Donald Driver - WR - GB
24. Ray Lewis - LB - BAL
23. Matt Hasselbeck - QB - SEA
22. Alex Smith - QB - SF
21. Max Hall - QB - AZ

Donald earns his spot just barely, because he is alway trying to take catches away from, and I quote "DAT NIGGA GREEG JENNINS." Ray Lewis stabbed his way onto the list. Hasselbeck's entire lack of entertainment puts him on here. Do something you ass. Alex Smith. His name is Alex Smith. SO BORING. And his tiny ass hands. Max Hall is on here because this wouldn't be a true hatred list without a mormon on it. 

20. Tony Romo - QB - DAL
19. Jared Allen - DE - MIN
18. Matt Schaub - QB - HOU
17. Tom Brady - QB - NE
16. Willis McGahee - RB - BAL

Tony Romo is low, only because he was injured all last year and made the Cowboys go to shit. That is always a positive in my book. I'm tired of Jared Allen. It was fun for a while but he's just annoying now, like Epic Mealtime. Matt Schaub fucked my fantasy team last year, so he's now on here. Tom Brady is cool, but you have to hate him which is why he's in the middle here. Some would rate Brady higher, but I don't hate him enough. He's just too damn good. Willis McGahee is on here just because he takes touchdowns from Ray Rice. Stealing is illegal in America. 

15. Peyton Manning - QB - IND
14. Jimmy Clausen - QB - CAR
13. DeAngelo Hall - CB - WAS
12. Bryant Johnson - WR - DET
11. Cortland Finnegan - CB - TEN

Peyton is in that same range as Tom Brady. He's good on SNL and shit, but that fucking face. THAT FUCKING FACE. You hate it so much. Jimmy Clausen also has a stupid face. That's really the only reason he's on here. I hate stupid faces. DeAngelo Hall is a fucking douche. He should be the best corner, but all he does is talk shit. Yeah, Showtime used to talk shit, but he was also FUCKING GOOD. Bryant Johnson is an asshole. There should only be one receiver named Johnson on Detroit and that is Calvin. Cortland Finegan can die in a fire. Hey asshole. IS IT BLACK OR IS IT WHITE. YOU CAN'T BE BOTH. 

10. Jay Cutler - QB - CHI
9. David Gerrard - QB - JAX
8. Eli Manning - QB - NY
7. Mark Sanchez - QB - NY
6. Phillip Rivers - QB - SD

This group here is my group of most annoying quarterbacks. They all have something in common, and that something is their stupid faces (see above). None of them have a clue what they are doing most the time, and generally ride on the back of their offensive coordinators or team talent. Jay Culter is a pussy. Gerrard is totally incompitent and yet still starts. Eli Manning possesses 0 percent of the comedy talent that Pey Pey has. Mark Sanchez just plain sucks. Phillip Rivers is a religious nut.

5. Josh Freeman - QB - TB
4. Matt Cassel - QB - KC
3. Peyton Hillis - RB - CLE
2. Tim Tebow - QB - DEN
1. Steelers Roster 

Josh Freeman is the bain of my existence. I'm from Kansas and go to the University of Kansas, and to watch him, back then, run around in the pocket for 19 seconds and get saftied was glorious. He was the epitome of incapable at quarterback. Now he's good? NOT IN MY BOOK. I WRITE MY BOOK IN PEN AND I WROTE THAT BOOK 4 YEARS AGO WHEN I SAW HIM LIVE.

Matt Cassel is one of my most hated, solely because he's terrible. Most didn't see him this year as the Chiefs were rarely shown nationally, but for me, I witnessed the shit he calls pocket pressence. Sure, he can throw to Dwayne Bowe, but who the fuck can't. Dwayne is 6'4" with mad ups son. Tell me, have you seen him throw to anyone not named Dwayne Bowe? My point exactly. My point set match.

Peyton Hillis is a douche. He was a douche in fantasy football. He is a receptor of love from douche rednecks. He is a douche for getting the cover of Madden. All round douche. And therefore I hate him. I aslo hate the city of Cleveland that voted him in for the cover of Madden. Congrats. That's the only thing your city will ever win.

Tim Tebow is about as obvious as it gets in the hate category. He's a virgin by choice? Fuck you. Fuck someone. Just do it. It feels really good. Why would God make it feel so good if it was so bad? 

Not a single person from the Steelers is cool. I hate them all. Leader Ben Rapelithsberger is the worst. Rape is not funny, unless it's animal rape. That's funny generally because when it involves horses the man gets killed. HILARIOUS. Then there is Hines Ward who is a drunk. And I totally hate Mendenhall because he's not good. He just looks good. Someone explain analytically how he is good? HE'S NOT. THAT ANALYTICAL ENOUGH FOR YOU. I will never draft a player in fantasy from the Steelers. Never. Unless I plan on trading them because I got them for a good deal. Or Mike Williams. I like Mike Williams.

Wilt Stilts has played 6 or 7 different versions of Madden which is basically like playing the sport, so you know he's got credentials. Check him out at or at twitter @kberthusen