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| Here we see his knee rupture, and then fumble. -.2 points for the day. |
Do you not give a shit about other people's fantasy teams the way I do? Well you're in luck because I'm going to tell you all about the DEVASTATING consequences to KENNY BRITT'S FRAGILE LIGAMENTS.
If you own Jamaal Charles, then you know the devastating effects of a player going down with injury. It's horrible. The repurcussions of such an injury define your season. Now you have the burden of hawking the waiver wire, which is way worse than running full sprint into barbed wire. Oh, hey, let's pick up, uh Michael Bush? Is James Starks available? NO? WHO WOULD TAKE JAMES STARKS. LIKE SERIOUSLY. HE'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD. Losing Jamaal Charles sucks, and even worse since he was likely your first pick. BUT KENNY FUCKING BRITT.
My fantasy savy recognized the talent that was bubbling in the loins of Kenny Britt this year. He got a new quarterback who had the competency to recognize Britt's grandiose receiving abilities. Chris Johnson was coming off a long holdout, rendering him apparently incapable of getting a fucking yard. Kenny Britt was fantasy draft gold. I snatched up that gold in both my leagues like a conservative talk show host grabbing up gold commodities on the currency market. I WAS FUCKING SET. I went 2-0 in both leagues anchored by the most badass receiver ever. KENNY BRITT. Oh how I loved yelling that name at the Red Zone channel.
Then Sunday. A screen pass. A FUCKING SCREEN PASS I TELL YOU. Catches it in the flat, turns to avoid Champ Bailey and he makes a spin move of epic proportions. Then all of a sudden he is a heap on the field. In agony I watch as the ball he just fumbled is recovered by the Broncos. NEGATIVE POINTS? Why? WHY? POUR QUE? He's so fucked that a cart needs to carry him to the locker room? Oh fuck oh fuck. He's fucked. He's fucked right? I saw Jamaal do the same thing last week. Maybe it's just precautionary. PRAY TO LORD IT'S PRECAUTIONARY.
Nay. Both his ACL and MCL are decimated, and with it, the receiving corps of JamesHarrisonWisdom and FitzpaTrickAssCracka. OH THE HUMANITY. JUST TAPE IT UP KENNY. IT WILL BE FINE. JUST GET THAT BLACK TAPE THAT DUALS AS A BRACE. SOMETHING CAN BE DONE. SOMETHING *shakes uncontrollably*
These are the nightmares of the clinically insane. Where did I put that salad spinner? I was gonna make toast with it. What kind of poison is in this apple juice? This here hot wheel car will be great if I can just get my right toe in it. I'm sure I'll be able to fit in it and DRIVE IT AWAY FROM THIS CRAZY TOWN. Maybe I'll start Lance Moore this week.
SEE. It looks crazy. I'm crazy. I NEED SOME RITALIN. I NEED TO BE DISSECTING SABERMETRICS RIGHT NOW. IS ERIC DECKER AVAILABLE? DO YOU THINK STEVE BREASTON IS ANY GOOD, I MEAN, I THINK HE SUCKS, BUT MAYBE....MAYBE. DOES PEYTON MANNING HAVE ANY TRADE VALUE AT ALL? PLEASE GOD, LET THERE BE SOME TRADE OPTIONS. I'M DYING HERE.
Has the world lost all it's meaning? I have no will to live. I mean, if Kenny Britt's knees don't even want to live, why should I live? Just think about it in the grand scheme of things. What is the point of life? Is it to just sit here and watch our family and friends wither away like the components of Kenny Britt's knees. Is it to to get laid? I don't know anything right now. Up is down. Potato Salad is spinach. HOW DO I TURN ON THE TV? WHAT IS BLUE? CAM NEWTON IS GOOD? I ... uh ... words ... but ... can I ... tumbleweeds ...
*injests whole bottle of Ritalin*
GOOD BYE CRUEL WORLD AND YOUR DEVASTATING FANTASY FOOTBALL WOES
*dies*
Wilt Stilts memorial will be held at www.givingtoomuchofashitaboutthings.com/suicide or reach him at twitter @kberthusen.
