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September 26, 2011

Closing of Summer Mailbag: Opening of Fall Scholarshipgrove posts

I figured it's time to write some more shit. So, here's Bill Simmons.
The "R" on the elevator stands for Robby, or in English Lobby.
Q: The Grantland staff's buying/selling gimmick (described in your Week 2 column) reminded me of something I've started to do recently: using the concept of WAR (wins above replacement) in all aspects of my life. For instance, when my girlfriend asked how a softball game went and I told her "high WAR" to sum up a great night at the plate with solid defense. But what I've found is even better is using WAR to describe the people around me, e.g., My buddy Alex's old girlfriend was uncool and replacement level or 1.0 WAR at best, but his current girlfriend is a 7.5, that's MVP level and he should hang on to this one. Thoughts?
— Zeph, Corona Del Mar

My thoughts? You didn't ask a fucking question, just spewed some bullshit "LOOK AT ME TAKE SPORTS STATS INTO REAL LIFE." Congrats. I always use stats in life. Like Jackoffs per day or ability to fart unrecognized divided by shits per day. These are the real stats. Implement them in your daily life and you will succeed at everything I succeed at, which is nothing. 

Q: If you're going to use Matthew Stafford If He Stays Healthy's full name in your columns, could you please use my full name whenever you mention me too? It's Former Harvard Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Thanks!
— Former Harvard Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo, NY

Yes. Right after you call me by my full name. Kyle "Wilt Stilts" with a big ass cock that isn't really that big, but in theory it is next to an ant's cock Berthusen. Do it word for word, and that will be an acceptable option. For now, you are just Fitzpatrickasscracka to me

Q: I just graduated from prep school and I want to share with you the best idea I've ever had. What about a fantasy league based on college placement? You play in the fall and draft teams of seniors at your school and then earn points based on the school they end up going to. We used the US News report ranking of the school subtracted from 100. It's deliciously evil because it involves cold calculation of the potential of your peers.
— Milo, Princeton, N.J.

Oh you're from Princeton, your name is Milo, and you went to prep school. If you had a recipe for douchebag, that would be the flour, eggs, and milk right there. I'm going to guess you are a Finance major with a emphasis on FEHnance as that is how a douche says such a word. And no, betting on people on whether they are going to a top 100 USA today school is not "the best idea" you've ever had. It's the single most douchey things a person could come up with, considering that the rankings on USA today are only based on total academic standards. There are hundreds of other reasons to go to a school, academics just being one. Consider you are a really good Journalism student and you want to go to Syracuse for sports journalism. Best school in the nation for such a degree, but not ranked any where close to top 25 in 100 USA today poll. So, go fuck yourself with a large melon, preferably cantaloupe with the skin peeled off, coincidentally looking like an orangeman. 

Q: If you were to ask 1000 people to list their top 3 favorite Tom Hanks performances and then discount any list that begins with Forrest Gump, would any two be the same? Tom Hanks is incredible. My three (and this took hours): Big, A League of Their Own, Catch Me If You Can.
— Ian Victorine, Gloucester

For me, took me 3 seconds. Toy Story 1, 2, and 3. FUCK LIVE ACTION BITCHES.

Q: You were spot on with your analysis of Hanks' performance in "Turner and Hooch." But how can you mistake Hooch for a St. Bernard? I know it was in the middle of the Dog Movie Era with classics like K-9, Homeward Bound, Cop and Half and Beethoven (that was the one with a St. Bernard). Hooch is a French Mastiff. You owe all dog lovers an apology!
— Tom R, Charlotte

No. No one owes dog owners an apology because IT'S CALLED A FUCKING MISTAKE. If I accidentally mistaken Tom Coughlin for dead in my blog, I wouldn't owe zombies an apology would I? NO. FUCK AND NO. Go eat some dog shit if you love them so much. Stop being so pretentious. "EWWW I OWN A DOG AND KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT DOGS AND THEIR DIGESTIVE TRACK BECAUSE I ROUTINELY EAT MY OWN DOGS SHIT TO FIND OUT THE CONTENTS." Seriously. Eat shit. You don't get it. I want you to seriously take a handfull of dog excrement, and shove it in your mouth. Make a video of it can call it "two bitches one cup."

Q: Listen to the chorus of Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten." Isn't it about masturbating to porn? "Staring at the blank page before you" (open up the Internet) "open up the dirty window" (obvious) "let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find" (you can't find the words because you're busy grunting) "reaching for something in the distance" (again obvious) "so close you can almost taste it" (almost there) "release your inhibitions" (climax!). Have fun listening to that song the same way ever again.
— Ryan Wittman, State College

Oh Ryan, I also go to STATE COLLEGE. As for your statement which is most definitely not a question, I don't need to rebuttal. Because it's the stupidest, most inane comment ever. Here, I'll make this song sound like sex. "Mary had a little lamb" (talking about her pussy clearly) "Little lamb Little Lamb" (how small a pussy Mary has) "who's fleece was white as snow" (ok, so she's in her 60's. Shit this is dirty) "And everywhere that Mary went her lamb was sure to go" (Seems obvious, but at her age, that shit can drop out like a transmission) "It made the children laugh and play" (wow, now Mary is some sort of pedophile) "And so the teach turned it out" (now the teacher is fucking Mary. DWAMN. This is like the craziest porn ever) 

As you can see Ryan, your comment is fucking pointless. GOOD DAY SIR. *adjusts monocle*

Q: So I just saw the movie Source Code (not bad, but Moon was better). In the film, in case you haven't seen it, Jake Gyllenhaal's character is repeatedly placed into the body of a school teacher aboard a train in the eight minutes before a devastating terrorist attack … to gather information. That's bare bones and without anything that seems like a spoiler, because it's all a lot more complicated. Anyway, it got me thinking. If you could go back in time to re-live, repeatedly, any eight minutes in sports in order to then repeat it … where would you go? As a Yankees fan, I'd pick the eight minutes before Brian Cashman's initial meeting with Carl Pavano.
— Dennis O'Brien, Kerrville, TX

As and asshole, I'd head back to when Richard Pryor's face got blown off when he was freebasing crack. I just want to see that shit, because you know, no matter how funny any of Pryor's material is, that is the most hilarious thing he has ever given the world. EVER. It's like if John Goodman died of an aneurism, or George Bush drowned in and oil spill. 

Q: What's the top thing you didn't think you'd write or think this year? For me, so far, it has to be, "I wish Dice K were available."
— Lisa L., Cape Elizabeth, Maine

Oh simple. "I wish that Lisa L. from Cape Elizabeth, Maine had died in a horrible car wreck while speeding along the coast of Maine." Actually, that's unfair. I totally thought I'd write that this year. In all reality, I would say "I think Ryan Gosling is a fucking boss." That's just because of "Drive" though.

Q: With Chaz Bono's recent publicity push due to DWTS, it occurred to me that her beard is clearly one of the worst of all time. I put it in a class with Hulk Hogan's NWO Hollywood look. If we were to build a Mt. Rushmore of bad beards, what would the other two be?
— Brad, Fort Worth, TX

Well, first of all, those beards can't be chiseled into stone. Johnny Depp's bitch ass whiskers would just fall off during the first rain. Same with Paul Pierce. So fuck that idea. It's dumb. And I just wasted a good 10-15 seconds writing that response. That comes out to about .001 cents that you owe me for my time. As every rapper ever has said, "Time is money"...NIGGA.

Q: How are you not freaking out about this Red Sox collapse? I thought we would have had five columns by now!!!
— Heather, Villanova, PA

Q: 5-16 in September, and not a word from you!?! What gives?
— Steve, Fredericton, Canada

What gives? Santa gives. I don't give a shit. Steve, let me tell you a little something about my method. I'm a method writer, which means about the same as method acting. For me to write, I have to be in character for said writing. If I was to write a racist joke, I would have to previously punched Kat Williams. Just how I work, and to do these things take time, so go fuck yourself. I'M PISSED BECAUSE I JUST LOST MY FIRST FANTASY GAME THIS WEEK.

Q: What if on October 26, 1986 a tall bespectacled, balding man named "Larry" handed you this letter?
Dear 17 year old Bill Simmons,
I know that his error yesterday is still fresh, but don't worry — 25 years from now Billy Buck will appear on my TV show and redeem himself by catching a baby thrown from a burning building. Also, you will see Susie have an orgasm in my Hybrid car.
— Calvin, New York
Uh, this doesn't pertain to me, but I'll answer anyways. considering I wasn't born yet, my guess is I would react the same way any sperm/egg combination would do which is of course swim/sit there. 

Q: I'm a new dad. I love my wife and baby, but I also need time with the boys. I need your Top 5 excuses (that have actually worked) so I can go out with the boys and minimize the damage with the missus. Much appreciated.
— Scott, Oxford, CT

You're from Connecticut, so you have an easy out. Just say you have to go to the women's basketball game, and then base your argument on your stance for women's rights in the sports world. Can't lose. Then GO TO THE STRIP CLUB. WHOO YEAH THE IRONY IS GIVING ME A BONER. Number 2 - Say you have cancer and only 3 days to live. Then take a day trip to New York and have your way with a prostitute. 3- Say you are running for office and need to find a belle who will accept and then publicize some dick shots. Obviously you would need to go out for a couple nights to find such a belle. 4 - Divorce. 5- Stage a murder suicide. Then unlimited days off for you and your boyz. That's how men roll. FUCK YO WOMEN. LONG TERM COMMITMENT IS FOR PUSSIES. THE ONLY PUSSIES I KNOW ARE THE ONES I'M FUCKING EVERY NIGHT. WHO DAT, WHO DAT, BITCH I GOT DAT FLAAAAAAME. *goes to bed at 10pm alone*

Q: I was at the bar Friday night when "Cult of Personality" starting playing. I immediately looked to the door expecting CM Punk to walk in. I think I've started watching too much wrestling again. I'm 30 by the way.
— Len, Erie, PA

Yeah. Best course of action in your situation would be to just end your life. The fact that you watch such television is why the country is terrible. It's not that it's violence, or that it's not intelligent TV. It's that it's straight up fake. If I wanted to watch fake things I'd watch reality TV. If I wanted to watch violence, I would watch the wonderfully entertaining sport of MMA. If I wanted unintelligent TV, I'd watch CBS. All three together in one program is just brain mush fuel. So, find yourself a nice garage, park your car in it while it's running and blow your brains out. That's called an unexpected twist, something that the cops can look forward to at the scene of the crime. "So detective, he parked his car and left if running, and then took this Glock and blasted his face off? This was TOTALLY A STAGED MURDER." That's compelling television. Not fucking Wrastling. 

Q: My fantasy football team this year? Casey Anthony's MILF All Stars. I am absolutely giving you and the mustache 100% of the blame/credit. I never thought like this before I started reading your columns. Oh, who am I kidding? I thought like this long before I hated hearing you talk about the f-ing Red Sox. Seriously though, I'd let Casey Anthony touch my penis.
— Scott, Portland, OR

You're from Portland so I'm going to assume Hipster. What is the most hipster thing to do? Well, what no one else wants to do. No one would dare touche (pardon my french) Casey Anthony EXCEPT HIPSTER SCOTT. Ride your fixed gear all the way to Florida and tap that ass with a sheep skin condom. THAT'S THE HIPSTER WAY. EASTBOUND AND DOWN ON CASEY ANTHONY. You know she has no respect for her uterus, as she hates anything that comes from it. 

Q: Not following the NBA lockout except for when you mention it in a mailbag. Is it at all possible for the players to break the owners?
— Jason, Seattle

BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT KIT KAT BAR. What were you saying? Oh. I don't know.

Q: The opening scene of Episode 6 of this season of Louie made me think of the NBA lockout. The man playing the beautiful violin piece masterfully is the continuation of last season's brilliance and the potential the current season could be to make the NBA's beautiful masterpiece, but the beauty is completely ruined by some fat, disgusting homeless man washing himself with a water bottle in a subway tunnel … that the lockout and the fact that neither side seems to care right now about getting this done and making sure the fans have what they love … I feel like Louie … enjoying the beauty of last season and excited for what could be, but now there's a nasty man bathing himself and I can only look on in disgust …
— Michael W., Seattle

Astutely put there Michael W from Seattle. I apologize for your depression, which of course is assumed as you live in Seattle where less sun is shown upon than on Louis CK's asshole. I really like how "Louie" get's me to laugh at things I shouldn't laugh at. It's so great. Like in the movie "Super" when Ellen Page rapes Rain Wilson. All I did was laugh at it. Not even awkward laugh, because I was watching it alone. Just straight up, this is great, laugh. I'm so awesomely sick. SAWESOME.

Q: Could there have been a more natural way for the torch to be passed from "The Mike Tyson Zone" to the "Charlie Sheen Zone" than Iron Mike being a roaster for the Charlie Sheen Roast?
— Cameron, Cleveland

I don't know what this is, but I'm going to assume it is one of Bill's idioms, or as I like to say just now, idiotioms. This is one of the most trivial questions ever. I don't care and I'd imagine no one cares. I just want the Mike Tyson Zone to be a game at the ESPN Zone where you feed pigeons in a video game.

Wilt Stilts writes very succinctly, as to be the laziest and most pretentious asshole that the world can offer. Visit him at his website or on twitter @kberthusen