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August 9, 2011

The Blog of a Satirist of a Satirist of Grantland

Breaking new ground isn't new to me. It's called Blogception.  Satire of a blog, within a smaller blog that was originally satired from an even larger blog. Wait what? I don't get it.

When we had the chance to sign the writer Christmas Ape from Kissing Suzy Kolber and then release him after a day, I said, "well, ok, but why?" It was a deal. Signed. Sealed. Delivered. Today, he's going to write his most inner and dark secrets that haunt him as a somewhat famous, but not as famous as Drew Magary, blogger.

There are days when all I can think about is how the earth can be so abismal. People steal things every day. Most of the time, I focus my energy thinking how the mainstream music industry mogul executives take all the indy band's ideas and turn them into mainstream garbage junkyard scrap piles. I always like finding the smallest and most unique band I can find and showing it to my friends. 

Last week I found this band from Hoboken, New Jersey called "Hamstring Circle Jerky" that consists of a pan flute and  french horn. It's amazing. It's so original. Like no one has heard it. In fact, I'm not sure why I'm telling you guys this, because I don't want those capitalist music enterprises to come down and snatch up their ideas and dumb it down for those dumb banlieue high schoolers. Yeah, sometimes I throw french words into my writing just to be original. Like balieue means suburbs. I bet you didn't know that.

And I bet you didn't know of my blog KSK. That's short for Kissing Suzy Kolber. You probably haven't heard of it. I'm not really that famous on it, because I'm trying to stay grounded with my writing. I don't want to blow up like that sellout Bill Simmons. I just want to exhibit my talents enough to be noticed, but not to explode. You know man. Like when Mumford and Sons became super popular, I hated them. They were clearly pandering to the national audience and totally suck now. I hate them. And I never want to be synonymous with Mumford and Sons. Ever man. 

And so I like to keep my writing somewhere around average. Keeps me hidden, and under ground like molten lava. I would consider myself the core of the KSK family. Drew is the Earth's crust. He's on the surface, always being looked at. Totally mainstream. He also writes from Deadspin. I mean. He's a sellout, but he's grounded kinda, you know? And I am the core, all hot and bubbly. Occasionally my molten lava rises to the surface, but that is only on accident. That's because I'm trying to stay underground and stick to my roots.

But today, I had an eruption. I had to get this off my chest. I saw the mainstream conglomerate blog imperials taking MY ideas from the underground indy blog AND USING IT. I've never been so undermined by the world. Now I know how it feels to be a rioter in London. So I posted a response to the satire on Grantland. The one where they parodied Brady Quinn. I couldn't just do a normal satire to confront them. I couldn't just make fun of Bill Simmons with a Simmons parody. That would be too mainstream. That would be falling into the mainstream trap of The Man. 

What did I, the underground and independent blogger, do? I had to take it to another level. I had to create my own satire. A satire of a satire. That's what I did. I knew that if I were to just do a normal satire, I would be doing exactly what the mainstream was doing now. Now I have to satire their satire, so I made this

I started the whole satire of popular sports icons first. I was the Patient 0 of comical parodies of sports athletes. The mainstream stole my idea, and now I have to create a new idea. A new virus to inflict on the blog world that will get me noticed. But not noticed enough to become mainstream. Just noticed enough. I can't go mainstream. I will never be part of a mulit-national corporation full of lies and deceit and stocks and bonds and corporate jets and dividends and corporate taxes and sell outs. I will always be indy. Always representing the real believers. I AM CHRISTMAS APE!!!

This is not a real post. This is a fake post. No. Stop thinking it is real asshole. It's fucking fake. You can't possibly believe this is a real post. No one is really this non-self-aware. This is clearly fake and clearly satire. The satire is so thick that honey is jealous of it's viscosity. YOU FUCKING IDIOT.