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August 8, 2011

The Glorious Return of ME. ME. YOU LOVE ME.

I've returned from a stint in the upper midwest (Minnesota) and am here to take your emails, that you sent to Bill Simmons, and that I am now stealing. WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION.

"Good effort Peyton." *pouts*
Q: I'm having a rough patch in my life. I am a broke college student home for the summer and can't find a job. I deposited $6 to my bank account today and the teller literally laughed at me when she saw that my balance was $13. Then I went home and cut my nipple when I was shaving my chest. All I ask for is a mailbag. I need this.
— Jono, St. Louis

Congrats asshat. You are just like all college students that are gay. Shaving chests. Doing tricks on the side to pay for that bikini wax. Venturing craigslist ads for sex, and offering a $12 reward for anyone willing. Sounds like a fun summer dude. That bitch teller was clearly all up on your nuts and wanted your scrawny dick inside her. Only a gay man doesn't take advantage of that.

Q: Which will last longer: The NFL lockout, or the time between Simmons mailbags?
— David C., NYC

Clearly the NFL lockout dick face for brains. 

Q: Please do a mailbag before Sasha Vujacic marries Maria Sharapova and the world ends.
— John, Omaha, NE

Fuck do you care John. You're in Omaha. No way Maria wants you. Unlike how she wants me because I'm in Lawrence, Kansas and sexy as hell. And me penis is like a railroad tie. 

Anyways, We've got ourself a new segment where I hyjack Simmons' questions from fans like that RPG hijacked that helicopter this weekend, and then I WRITE MY OWN ANSWERS. As inagurally, these are real emails from real readers from a real website.

Q: Any reaction to (Kevin) Durant at Rucker Park? Isn't that the stuff of legends?
— @SJU212 (Via Twitter)


Q: Did you know Latrell Sprewell and Anthony Mason rank #1 and #3 in delinquent tax dollars owed the state of Wisconsin?
— Dan, Madison, WI

And #2 is Reggie White's corpse. Turns out he was addicted to whores. And blow. That's why he had a heart attack, BUT THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT. IT'S A COVER UP. COVER UP I SAY!

Q: I recommended that Versus be changed to WET (White Entertainment Television) on your Facebook page and you declared it "brilliant." Can I at least get some confirmation of my one brilliant moment in life?
—Chris C., Austin

No. I know your type. Hipster asshole from Austin, with his tumblr ready at any moment to catch a shitty pic of a stray bag blowing in the wind. You had one joke in your entire life, and it  just so happened to be one that Simmons noticed. TAKE YOUR LIKE AND LEAVE ASSHOLE. IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY. It'd be better to be called VERSUS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WAS ENTERED IN THE COPYRIGHT OFFICE.

Q: Where does the capture of Whitey Bulger in Santa Monica of all places rank in the all-time upsets in Boston's history? Not to champion his past in any way, but the guy has been on the run since I was playing tee ball!
— Ryan Harris, San Francisco

Tee Ball? YOU MUST BE ELDERLY. YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHAT JIMMY CARTER LOOKS LIKE, AND KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HATE BLACK PEOPLE LEGITIMATELY. As for Whitey Bulger, GLAD THEY GOT HIM. Now if only they could take that Marc Bulger down for killing the Rams. 

Q: Do you realize that we live in a world where the best golfer is white and the best rapper is black? What the fuck?????
— Patrick, Sacramento

Who is the best rapper? I mean, Drake is like three quarters white. So he doesn't count. It's not Wayne. It's not Jay-Z or Kanye (although the Throne is sick.). It's still Eminem right? Fuck If I know. And golf, well it should be a white guy, you know, because golf is raycess.

Q: If you're a Nike ad exec, wouldn't the following commercial start to get some more positive light on LeBron? Start with a scene and a couple words from "The Decision." A voiceover by LeBron says, "Did I do it the wrong way? Yes." Cut to footage of Miami's post signing celebration. ("Did I crown myself too early? Yes.") Cut to a montage of him missing shots and turning the ball over, then Dirk celebrating the title. ("Did I fail during my biggest professional moment? Yes.") Final cut to LeBron working on his game alone in the gym. ("Will I be better next time that you see me play …yes.") Fade to black, then a LeBron logo with some type of Nike-type saying. Thoughts?
— Kyle, Chicago

First of all, nice name. Second of all, NO. Here's a better commercial. Lebron is driving an Aston Martin in the rain in Florida. Lightning striking everywhere. Camera is outside the car first, and then moves to the interior where "Gotta Have it" from Watch the Throne is playing at the time when Kanye says "Ain't that like Lebron James" and he nods his head. Then Jay-Z says "Ain't that just like D-Wade." And then Lebron's facial expression changes and he steers his car of the road into the ocean. Then to a black screen that just says "Fuck."

Q: At halftime of Super Bowl 38, Justin Timberlake sang, "I'm gonna have you naked by the end of this song," then reached over and ripped Janet Jackson's top off. Janet got blamed for the ensuing fallout because of her fancy nipple-cover, but HE ripped HER clothes off. Then SHE gets crap for it to this day. Why does nobody ever blame JT and why does he gets to go on living his charmed life of superstardom?
— Sean C, Benton, AR

Because he's fuckable Sean. You wouldn't understand because being from Arkansas, you only listen to Brooks and Dunn. He's a sex icon. Janet is not. Infact, the only thing still fuckable on her is her fake tits, and that is still a stretch. Also, and you should know this, the NFL is raycess.

Q: A-Rod! Poker! Cocaine! Secret Games! Welching! Henchmen! Mystery girlfriend! Hundreds of thousands of dollars!
— Denny, Dracut, MA

Posterior advancements! Growths on my pubic area! Sailor Jerry's! Constantinople! Am I doing this right!

Q: July just isn't the same unless someone's signing Al Harrington to a $50 million contract.
— Adam F., Toronto


Q: Lt. Daniel Kaffee would turn 47 this year (Demi Moore says his birthday is in 1964 in the softball scene). What do you think he's doing now?
— Craig, St. Paul

I don't even... wat?

Q: Grant Wahl thinks we should play the Women's World Cup every two years. You down with that idea?

Nope, because who is gonna pay for that shit. That stadium only held 50k and was barely full for the final. You can't be serious if you think that will fill every two years. Fuck off dicknuts.

Q: So I am looking around the internet trying to find a site that has all of the Real World/Road Rules cast records and it doesn't seem to exist. How is this possible? If this is going to be the 5th major sport than I need to know what Paula's career record, or when these people get eliminated every season. Someone needs to start doing sabermetric analysis.
— Pat, Raynham, MA

Hey Pat. If you give so many fucks about this, then maybe you should get your lazy masshole off the couch and onto a slightly more comfortable couch with a laptop and make this website. You could literally make hundreds of dollars. BECOME A HUNDREDAIRE 

Q: You wrote that we'll remember Dwayne Wade forever as an evil genius who somehow convinced his biggest archrival to move to HIS city, play for HIS team, and become HIS sidekick. I think that this analysis is but the tip of the iceberg — he also rigged it so that LeBron became the scapegoat if Wade's genius plan managed to fail while simultaneously remaining a great and lovable player. Check. Mate. The only guy who could have planned something this complex from the beginning is Keyser Soze. I don't know whether realizing this and understanding who the real bad guy is makes me REALLY, REALLY hate Dwyane Wade or that I simply need to tip my cap to him and say, "Well played, sir."
— Ryan Maddux, San Francisco

No. Chill out. Dwayne Wade is just as dumb as Lebron, the difference is he got lucky. His management is the genius, he just reaped the rewards. They had the cap and they made it happen. Wade had little to nothing to do with the situation. He was equally douchey in the Miami party of fun that happened when the others came to town. It just so happens that he has a ring already, and if if was Lebron with the ring instead of Wade, it would have looked way different in the finals. Don't think for one second that athletes are smart enough to do a QUADRUPLE CROSS like that. That's James Bond shit son.

Q: We need you to make a year-by-rule ruling on who is 'America's Sweetheart' and give her a WWE-style championship belt.
— @dweigner (via Twitter)

Ok. First question. Who is "We." The world? Men who need a jackoff check list? Next, 'America's Sweetheart' will always be Sarah Palin. SHE LOVES 'MERICA DAMMIT. YOU FIND ME ONE WOMAN ON THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS THAT IS MORE IN LOVE WITH 'MERICA. SHE'S SO IN LOVE WITH 'MERICA THAT SHE LET THE STATES GO ANAL. THAT'S HOW MUCH IN LOVE SHE IS.

Q: Can we start a petition that no announcer can compliment a pitcher who is facing the Mariners? I am getting tired of hearing how "untouchable" every damn pitcher is when the pitch against the Ms. They aren't F&^#*!# untouchable — they're just pitching against the equivalent of a JV girls softball team. My wife doesn't heap praise on me when I beat my 8-year-old in basketball, so can we please stop thinking these pitches are having the performance of a lifetime just because they two-hit the worst hitting team of our generation?
— Brett, Seattle


Q: Did you, the asshole who just won 7 titles in the last 10 years, really just try one of your stupid reverse jinxes on Twitter to ruin my Eagles season? Do you realize we haven't won a championship since before my dad was born??? Save your admittedly effective reverse jinxes for more important things like the debt crisis and Kate Upton taking her clothes off in a movie. Thank you.
— Still a fan even though you're an asshole, Tim in Colorado (via Philly)

Wah Wah. You won a Phillies title a few years ago. You're just as big a bitch. And you had AI which is like 9 championships in a row. Fuck off Philadelphia. And one more thing, YOU WENT TO 3 STRAIGHT NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES. GUESS WHAT? I'VE SEEN ONE CHIEFS PLAYOFF WIN IN MY LIFE, AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS 7. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Q: You tweeted a link to Kobe's Turkish Airlines ad and asked "'Why does Kobe peek at the chef's ass?' has replaced 'Why does MJ have a Hitler mustache?' as No. 1 weirdest ad subplot." You realize Kobe was actually watching the guy limp away, right? Or do you just hate Kobe so much that you see what you want to see?
--JB, Van Nuys, CA

Compromise. KOBE IS GAY. AND HE'S INTO THAT DILAPIDATED PORN. HE LIKE DEM PARAPLE-SEX WITH THE SAME SEX. That's what I see. You know, ads are like art. You can only take away what YOU see in it. You see Kobe feeling bad for an injured person and I see Kobe with a weird sexual infatuation with men. Tomato Tamato.

Q: As Jerry Maguire walked Rod Tidwell across the floor of the 1995 NFL Draft, he introduced him to Mel Kiper Jr. and quickly boasted that Rod had 1550 receiving yards and 110 catches "last year." That means in the 1994 season, Tidwell led the league in receiving yards and finished 4th in catches. Yet his on-field dominance yielded a local waterbed endorsement deal, a lowball offer from the Cardinals, and a house infested with ants. No wonder Jerry lost every other client, right?
— Jeff Hoose, Las Vegas, NV

Ah, but here is your problem. Rod Tidwell is a total dick. And let's not forget the concussion that he clearly sustained in the end zone. That took 3 years off his career. EASILY. And then he walked it off and played more that game. Fucker's gonna be dead at 30. Concussions weren't even invented yet back then.

Q: Now that Fox bought the movie rights to the ESPN book, who do you envision being cast to play you? I vote for Matthew Perry because A) He kinda, sorta looks like you and B) He really could use some kind of career bump.
— Rob, Toledo, OH


Q: Who is playing you in the movie about the ESPN book? I think it should be Adam Sandler — you both peaked 12 years ago.
— Timmy, Winchester, MA

BADUMP CHING! It's called humor and Timmy just nailed it like Amy Winehouse's coffin.

Q: Who do you think is the player most likely to become ridiculously overweight during this NBA lockout?
— J. Olafsson, Reykjavik


Q: How long till Greg Oden is starring in a porn movie titled Trail Blazers?
— Patrick, New Orleans

First of all, It'd be called TAIL Blazers. Secondly, three weeks into the season if it is locked out.

Q: If I came down with a terminal illness and Chris Connelly showed up at my door, I would definitely request to spend the day with C.T.
— Austin, San Francisco


Q: I am venturing out to start a new business franchise that I believe will be very successful. The idea is to combine various fast food restaurants with a strip club. The first undertaking will be a Chipotle/Strip Club combo, aptly named Strippable. Once our first business takes off, we'll move on to other restaurant strip club enterprises. Taco King (Taco Bell / Burger King / strip club), Chicks-Grade-A (Chick-Fil-A / strip club), Jimmy's Johns (Jimmy John's / strip club), Hardee's (Hardee's / strip club).... you get the idea. I am writing to ask for your financial support of this exciting new opportunity. You can be a founding member of the franchise that will soon sweep the globe. There's a limited amount of time before we open our doors, so act soon.
— Josh, CEO and President, Stripotle Inc.

Yup, these are Bill Simmons' douchiest readers.

Wilt Stilts knows that the best way to get paid for writing is to have others do half of the work. That is why he does what he does here. Visit him at his website or at twitter @kberthusen