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October 19, 2011

Fuck This Shit: FJM of GL Doing NCAA BB

Editor's note: This is the first of a five-part college basketball series that will run this week. We will be bringing you five writers arguing why their team will win the national championship, and me hating them. Check back for Duke, Ohio State, Syracuse, and Kentucky.

On January 16 of this year, the North Carolina Tar Heels were 12-5, having just beaten Virginia Tech in a close game in Chapel Hill. The grumbling old men of Franklin Street were grumbling about what they had been grumbling about for the past two years: Larry Drew II, the team's starting point guard, was playing horribly.

MAYBE IF YOU GOT THE FIRST MODEL OF LARRY DREW, THE LARRY DREW I, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SUCH A GRUMBLING EPIDEMIC.

Kendall Marshall, Drew's freshman backup, had played spectacularly. In 24 minutes, Marshall put up the following line: 3-4 from the field, 2 rebounds, 9 points, 9 assists, and zero turnovers. But statistics, even advanced ones, don't really tell us much about point guard play in college.

Other than the fact that those statistics right there tell us that he played spectacularly well for only 24 minutes of play. No, statistics don't tell us anything ever. ONLY THE FEEL OF THE GAME. DOES HE POSSES THE ABILITY TO DIRECT PLAYS WITH HIS HANDS?

You can shoot badly from the floor, turn the ball over, and have teammates botch assists, but as long as you're pushing tempo and finding streaking and cutting teammates, you're doing your job.

Well, he's not doing his job very well. If this was the case, I could be a point guard at North Carolina. This guy is retarded. MAKES MY JOB EASY.

Marshall set a torrid pace, but he did it in a strange, almost counterintuitive way. Carolina fans were still dizzied from the memories of Raymond Felton and Ty Lawson — two of the fastest players to ever set foot in Chapel Hill. 

EVERYONE IN CHAPEL HILL NORTH CAROLINA WAS SUFFERING FROM VERTIGO. EVERYONE I SAY.

Marshall, who runs with his back as straight as a ramrod and keeps his head up at all times (ie, person with scoliosis), was much, much slower than those two. He was slower than Larry Drew II. But through long lead passes, clever dribbling, and the unteachable ability to see three beats ahead, Marshall set the Heels humming at their optimal pace.

Optimal Pace sounds like a terrible driving movie. Like the life story of Jeff Gordon. His pit manager would always say "Man that Jeff. He ALWAYS paced himself optimally. You could say he drove at optimal pace." *movie ends*

Three days later the wheels finally came off what had already been a disappointing Tar Heels season. North Carolina lost by 20 to a Georgia Tech team that would finish the year with a 5-11 conference record. 

*Meanwhile at the Stilts residency* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ROY IS A TOTAL DUMBCUNT HAHAHAHAHA

Drew did not score in that game. He was benched. Three weeks later he left the team in disgrace. Amid great fanfare from both the message boards and the old grumbling men, the Kendall Marshall era began.

There was so much fanfare they had themselves a fan fair where they had games and clowns all tailored to the shitiness of Larry Drew II. There was a "SHOOT LIKE DREW" game where the basketball hoop was too small for the ball to go in. There was a dunking station with Drew sitting on the plank as people threw balls at the target and dunked him in tar. They even sold "Drew's Ice cold shooting hand ice cream."

May it live long and prosper.

STAR TREK REF. CATERING TO THOSE HOMO NERDS. HOW YOU LIKE THAT. I JUST MIXED YOUR NERDY BULLSHIT WITH MY MANLY SPORTS. I'M SO BRILLIANT. 

Note: I'm skipping ahead because this guy takes like 4 paragraphs explaining why the point guard position is so important. Well duh. Of course it fucking is. Kemba Walker single handedly won the National Championship game because he was the point guard. Jesus, this guy thinks the people reading are retarded. Anyways.

When this system is firing on all cylinders, the Heels are unbeatable. Duke, Michigan State, Kentucky, and the rest of the NCAA can recruit whomever they want, but a well-run Carolina team dictates the game's pace to such a degree that the other team might as well not be playing.

It's a well run Roy Williams team, not Carolina. I specifically remember plenty of Roy Williams teams that were well run, and didn't win the championship. How bout the '08 year when the Tar Heels had the exact same roster as the year after when they won the championship. Same point guard. Did they win it? No. they didn't. I remember Roy Williams with a team of Kirk Hinrich, Keith Langford, Nick Collison and Wayne Simien who didn't win a championship. I remember a team that had Raef LaFrentz, Paul Pierce, Jacques Vaughn that didn't win a championship. I doesn't matter how well run that team is. He can lose easily with that style of play if he runs into the right type of team. Roy Williams is shit.

And this year's squad might be more talented than either of the past two championship teams. It boasts eight McDonald's All-Americans, five players who should eventually be first-round picks (Barnes, McAdoo, Marshall, Zeller, and John Henson), and depth at nearly every position.

I'll point out here that all the Championship Roy teams had a big man at center. I mean BIG. They had Ed Davis who was a mix between a rhinoceros and a blue whale in '09. In '05 they had the fat piece of shit Sean May. This year, their two forwards are Tyler Zeller (pussayyy) and John Henson (gayyyy) and they both are built like faggots (the bundle of sticks version). They get thrown around in the paint and decimate their defense when they face a decently sized PF and if they play the likes of Thomas Robinson or Jared Sullinger, watch the fuck out. 

If John Henson, one of the most bizarre athletes to step on a basketball court (I can't tell if he's going to be Lamar Odom or Nick Fazekas), gets hurt, McAdoo can step in and take his minutes.

Again, McAdoo is 6' 8" and 220 pounds. They have zero girth down low. Not unlike an Asian man. *badump ching*

Strickland will be pushed by Bullock, and, hopefully, McDonald. There is a surplus of talent in Chapel Hill. Almost all of it — save Marshall — is interchangeable.

And Marshall can be stopped if you have a point guard who is athletic enough to pick him up at the timeline. BECAUSE HE HAS SCOLIOSIS.

As such, the same fragility that plagues the Roy Williams system could be what ultimately derails these Tar Heels. Kendall Marshall's backup this year is a little-known, barely recruited freshman named Stilman White, who plans to stay one year in Chapel Hill before departing on his two-year Mormon mission.

A MORMON? HA. The only thing he could possibly do is tell the opposing point guard the greatness of JOSEPH SMITH. All the other team would have to do is sing songs from "The Book of Mormon" when he is on the court. KU FANS AREN'T AFRAID TO SING SHOW TUNES.

So, my Carolina brethren, please join me in the following prayer for Kendall Marshall. Please, please, please let him be healthy. If he plays 35 games, the Heels will be cutting down the nets in March.

PRESUMPTUOUS.

If he plays 15, expect two losses to Duke, a quick out in the ACC tournament, and nothing past the second round of the NCAA.

Yeah probably. You have a MORMON.

There is very little middle ground here. But isn't that why we love Ol' Roy?

NOPE. That's why you should hate Roy and his system. It sucks. 

Wilt Stilts has a hatred for this team as he does many teams. Please visit his website www.hateallthings.com/roywilliams or on twitter @kberthusen