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October 4, 2011

On Brady's Hair

The Patriots QB pulls a reverse Samson, whatever that means.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD'S GREEN AND BLUE AND EVERY COLOR OF THE SPECTRUM EARTH. BRADY CUT HIS HAIR. The world is crumbling everyone. Double dip recession is nearing its zenith. Greece is bankrupt. Chris Johnson IS STILL TERRIBLE. It shouldn't get worse. It can't get worse, but it does.

Tom Brady, all that is good and beautiful in this world, has CHANGED HIS HAIR STYLE. He was the guy, that bald men looked to when thinking about their deserted scalp. They thought, "See, He is living the dreams of all bald men everywhere. Hair at obnoxious levels flowing out of a sweaty helmet, and just not giving a fuck, because it's HIS HAIR." He was the memories of what once was for all baldies. 

Now he's a disgrace. THE HAIR IS THE TITS OF THE MAN. IT IS EVERYTHING. IT'S LIKE GETTING BOOB REDUCTION SURGERY, AND BY ALL MEANS THAT IS BULLSHIT AND SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. How are we to live another day when Brady's hair is at finger length? FINGER LENGTH I SAY. The words almost disgust me. They do disgust me.

*pukes on couch*

You see, it's days like these when you try to find a character in the ethos that will give you a shining light. One that will shine a beacon of hope upon all. One who will sell you Ugg boots, the idea of growing dreadlocks and taking Brady first overall in your fantasy team. NOW YOU HAVE RUINED US. 

Now we have a whole new set of worries that plague our days. How will Brady perform with short hair? Will Gisele like the new hair cut? Did he donate the hair to cancer patients? HOW CAN HIS HELMET FIT NOW?

So many question, and none answered. If only there was some guiding light in the form of a 1970's blackslpoitation film afro that could CURE MY WOES. But sadly, no. We must now venture on in a world where the hair lengths are as short as our attention span. Live a life with follicles that are quaint, and underwhelming like Torrey Smith. Struggle in this cruel world of ours with scalp trees that are shorter than our women's skirts. 

Today a good man died. Tom Brady's hair. RIP 

Wilt Stilts never exaggerates or overreacts to stories about the changing world. Visit his website or one twitter @kberthusen.