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October 5, 2011

Former Alive Person Claims Sean Combs Had Tupac Killed

Yo dawg. You use my death for FUCKIN' ADVERTISING?
We have a special guest today in the Grove. It's Sean Taylor, former Washington Redskin and Miami Hurricane player. He was killed 4 years ago in a "random" shooting in a night club in Miami. Today he transcended the afterworld back to this one and met me at my house. He told me he had to scoop on Tupac's death. Turns out, Taylor has been working as a detective in the afterworld and is the most famous detective in the afterworld. Sherlock Holmes-esque. This is a transcript of the story he documented at my house, as he could not type, as he is a ghost.

Yo, so get this. I've been doin' my reaserch into finding out which on of deez niggas capped me that night in 2007. I had been doing background work here, looking into peoples closets 'n shit you know. Cuz I'm a ghost 'n shit, I can do anything. It's been leading me down a dead end. Like, dawg, I couldn't even find the bullet afterwards. It's like, some Kennedy assassination bullshit. I had one lead, dis nigga named K-top which is short for Karat Top, as in diamond carats. Nigga think he tight 'n shit, but he ain't got no ice. He just got that gold flaked chain. Pussy ass nigga.

Anyways, I was checkin' out his record collection 'n shit. Don't know why dis nigga got records 'n shit, but they was pretty fly I gots to admit. So, I pull out Tupac's "Me Against the World" because dis album is dope and I wanted to hear it. Ain't no hip hop in the after life. The only musical instrument is a banjo. Anyways, I get the record and open it up only to find dis note. All it said was "Hey K-top. It's me, Diddy. I think I might change my name to that shit later in the next decade. Anyways, can you kill Tupac. Pretty please. WITH CHERRIES ON TOP? Of course you can. You my dog. Peace. Love. Crabs. -Sean Combs." 

This when I knew there was something fishy going on. It was so fishy you might of thought it was a dirty ass hoes vagina after a month long untreated yeast infection. IT STANK OF FISH. So, I put a call into my nigga from LA in the afterworld which is actually the opposite of LA in the real world. It snows every day except like a couple time a year. So, dis nigga tell me that he knows Tupac. I'm like "AW SHIT YEAH. I'M ON THIS LIKE A LOFTED BALL FROM PHILIP RIVERS."

I head back to the afterworld and catch a train to afterworld LA. The only travel in the afterworld is by steam powered trains. I get there a few days later and talk to Tupac. I showed him the note. All he said was "These are some Better Dayz." Then he ran off. I don't know where he went. A few days later, I find out that he has been getting back at Combs all along. He tricked him into signing Kesha. Shit backfired as fuck tho. So, my deductive reasoning assumes that right now, he's haunting the shit out of Diddy. 

And there you have it. Word straight form the mouth of Sean Taylor. Diddy killed Tupac. Now we can get on with our lives.

Wilt Stilts doesn't do research, the research comes to him, in the form of GHOSTS. Because it's October and that's when ghost are most active. Reach him at his website or on twitter @kberthusen.