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October 7, 2011

What Should T.I's Post-Prison Game Plan Be?

You Jelly?
Some people take a prison stint to heart, by leading a better life once outside. They become religious or read a bunch of scriptures and philosophy to find a better path to live life. The rapper T.I. didn't do this. He got out of jail a few years ago from a gun charge, just to be caught a few months later with ecstasy in his possession. He's proven that he just doesn't give a shit. Which is perfect. As a resident public relation professional here at Scholarship Grove, I will be giving him apt advise on what his next moves should be, now that he is out of the klink. 

First, T.I. needs to embrace his charges. He's got two felonies under his belt, making him over qualified as a rapper. Most rappers who rep the drug trade have just little misdemeanors  here and there. He's got a gun charge and a drug charge. As rappers used to say in 2006, that's "Money in the Bank." Now, how do you expand on this new found street cred. Simple, you start selling coke. Every song you should do now must be ambiguously slanted towards the drug coke and the soda Coke. SELL THAT DIABETES AND REHAB BABY.

Executives of a Fortune 500 company like Coke are inherently white, and therefore don't get rap. They won't see the underlying cocaine references, just the soda ones. When their marketing department brings you in, they will have no clue what is going on, and will just accept whatever the head of marketing tells them. There's your in.

Now, once you've entered the company, you need to set up a dumby corporation. It should be a new brand of soda called "Nigga Wit An Attitude." Again, white people won't say no because it's racist to stand up to a colored person. So you're fine. 

All the while, you need to put out an album. Talk about how sorry you are about doing drugs and that dumb PR bullshit. We know you are smoking weed all day. It's cool. I won't tell. Just no hard narcotics ... yet. 

When your album goes 90 times platinum, because of the Coke money, dump all that money into the "Nigga Wit An Attitude" company. Then, you need to begin opening off shore bank accounts. No need to hide them. It's a prefect distraction for what you really want to do, which is become the greatest drug dealer alive.

Now, with the IRS looking at the off seas accounts, it is now time to start cooking the books. Not unlike cooking crack in your project apartments, this is very illegal, but, if done correctly, can pay off well. Soon, you should have millions of dollars in an undisclosed safe in Mexico. This is when you move to Mexico and become a national.

Once you have achieved becoming a citizen of Mexico, go to that safe and pull out all the money. You are now running for president of Mexico, which is like basically president of drugs. You'll win. You can pay off everyone since the peso is so shitty. Tell the drug lords of Mexico that they are in good hands, as long as the throw in a few dollars to the election. Once in office, crack down on drugs. Heh. Crack. IRONY.

Then take their business and open a large tunnel from Mexico City straight to Tulsa. No one would expect a tunnel to Tulsa. You'd be dodging all the Feds this way. Step 2. Profit.

And then you'll be arrested at some point at which you will be back home in the good old U.S. OF MOTHER FUCKING A. And that's how you get back to home, which is jail for you considering you like it so much there. You did want advise on how to stay in jail longer right?

Wilt Stilts has mulitple degrees, none of which are anywhere close to public relations. Visit his website at or twitter @kberthusen