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June 15, 2011

Dear Hockey Fuckhead

Here are answers to all your questions about game 7.

What is Hockey, and why does it exist?

Good question. First, no one really truly knows what hockey is. Some say it is a brand of liquor from Sweden, and was once mass produced, made from the sweet nectar of cherries and with the bite of 192% alcohol. It was distilled in bins of styrofoam, and then fermented with cardinal feathers, and was known to blind the blind with just one sniff.

Others say it is a sport. These people are called Canadians. So, according to folklore, these "hockey players" as they're called, play on a large frozen piece of water called "ice." Then, they take knives and tape them to their feet, and slide on that ice, all the while holding sticks and hitting the "buck" which is a dollar that someone dropped. First person to score a goal, hitting the buck into the net, gets to have that buck, and wins. This is all the info I know. As for hockey existing, you know what, I couldn't tell you. My guess is no. 

Who is going to win?

What? Win what?

Enough of these stats. I want to know how NBC is going to make me cry!

Well, knowing NBC, they will probably produce a show called "We took UR JOB" and air it for six months. It will be set in India where a guy from Kansas City is running an outsourced telemarketing business, and then falls in love with an Indian chick. Ew Gross. 

Or maybe they will make a show that stars Olivia Munn and then fail to show an inch of her cleavage, or even consider putting her in a slave Leia costume.

Or, they could make a show where Donald Trump is hanging out with Meatloaf and Gary Busey and can call it "Crazy people dance for you 'Merica."

Which Bruin will be shamelessly fawned over?

Weird question, but I'll answer it. My guess is that most people will really fawn over this chick. She's hot. She goes to UCLA as you can tell by the apparel, and, this is the best part, she's asian. 

Does anyone even watch hockey these days?

Maybe in Canada. Here, with our first world computers, and first world sports, we don't have time to lazily sit in front of our TVs and watch grown men wearing sweaters skate with wood in their hands. That sir, is gayer than gay. That is super-gay, or as many in the press call it, Tracy Morgan.