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June 29, 2011

Derek Jeter's DL Diary

Because that cheap 25 cent lock won't stop us from breaking into His journal.

Haha. Poor people.
It was June 14th. The Captain was out with a sprained calf. No, not the cow baby, but the lower part of his leg type calf. He was six hits away from 3000 which is 10 times better than the movie "300". So I went to Manhattan a few days ago and stole his shit.

June 14

FUCK. THIS HURTS SO BAD JOURNAL. If you had synapses and nerve endings, you too would understand the pain of a calf injury. No journal, I am not talking about a baby cow. Gosh. I was only a few hits away from 3000. At least that's what Girardi told me. I was too busy being 4.5 inches deep in Minka Kelly puss to know. HAHAH. FUCK OFF JOURNAL. JETER OUT.

June 15

GOSH. Didn't play today journal. Felt weird not playing, you know. I usually play, but this damn baby cow (calf) injury is killing me. Gosh, If only Mika was here. She would rub it down with some Icy Hot and then blow me. That would feel so much better than that shitty non-famous blow job I got today from Tara something. Forgot her last name. Come to think of it, her name probably wasn't Tara. Whatever. I'll just go eat some caviar and take a nap. This calf should be better by the morning.

June 16

CALF PAIN. Dammit journal. If only you were a sentient being and could be real so I could talk to you about my real pain and suffering. It's just so bad. I didn't play again. I watched Robinson Cano eat a whole sunflower seed without spitting out the shell. That was crazy fun, but it just isn't as fun as if I had been out there. I had to hang out with Brett Gardner. BRETT GARDNER JOURNAL! All he talks about is C list celebrities he's fucked, and big league chew. It's terrible. If only Mika was here. I could totally go out to a bar and get pictures taken of me and her. Gosh it would be wonderful. Then the Icy Hot routine. You know what I mean journal, right? YEAH YOU DO.

June 17


June 18

MIKA IS BACK. I talked to her about her time out of town. She told me she met Ryan Gosling and that he was really nice and very lovely. I was gonna say the same thing. He is very nice. He was great in Blue Valentine, which I saw, of course, at a pre-screening, with the non-public. How was your day journal? Did I mention I didn't play again. Still 6 hits away from 3000. Yeah, so.

June 19

Minka left again. I got that Icy Hot treatment I wanted. Wasn't the best performance, but did the job. The calf still feels like it's being punched consecutively by Roger Clemens, which is especially bad because he did steroids all the time. I'm glad no one reads you journal, because that would hurt his defense in a perjury  case. Anyways, I had a great time on the bench with Nick Swisher. He's really funny.

June 21

Sorry journal. Forgot to write in you last night. Had a night on the town with Nick. Did you know his name is short for Nicolas? Crazy right. I should shorten your name too. Like Journ, or Jour, or Jew. That works. You are now known as Jew and not journal. As for Minka, I think she will be back in a day or two. Forgot what she said. Doesn't matter anymore. Bitch had her show end. Friday Night Lights is shit anyways. I WANT A BITCH ON ABC OR CBS. I NEED A BITCH WHO DOES NETWORK TELEVISION RIGHT. NOT NBC.

June 23

Sorry about yesterday Jew. We had a late game and I ended up spending the whole day hanging with Swish. I nicknamed him Swish because of his ability to push blankets off the bed really fast, making the sound, SWISH. It's an onamonapia that also works with Nick's last name. It's great. Oh Jew. If only you knew the extend of his ability to hit the outside pitch. Minka would never hit the outside pitch like that, granted she is a girl, but still. Night.

June 25

Just got back from the road trip. My calf is better, but not good enough to play. I had some fun doing calisthenics with Swish last night, and the calf wasn't 100 percent. Hopefully it will be better soon. Hey Jew, guess what was legalized today. GAY MARRIAGE. Good job New York congress. You know the right stuff, am I right Jew? I am. Hopefully I'll be ready by tomorrow to come out. On to the field and make it 3000 hits.

June 26

I'm gay, just so you know Jew. I don't know if you are anti-gay, but it doesn't matter. I'm in love. I thought I knew love with Minka, but the fact is, I was in love with the fame. Dating an A lister is love, until you find REAL love. You want to know my love? It's Nicolas Swisher. He's not afraid to make me laugh. He puts pine tar on my bad when I need it, even if I don't ask. He lets me sleep on the left side of the bed, and shares his peanuts with me. Both nuts. TEEHEE. I'm like a little school girl, and all I want to do now is marry him. AND NOW IT'S LEGAL SO IT'S OK. Be happy for me Jew. Be happy for me.