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June 28, 2011

Long live the King

Five pitches for HDNet in a Post-Mavericks Championship world.

"Yeah, brah. Sounds good"

Most of us know Mark Cuban as a famous sports figure, running onto courts and being the pain in David Stern's tuchus. But what people forget is that he owns his own tv channel called HDNet, which literally no one watches, just like the Mavericks before this year. So, with a renewal of spirit from his championship, here is a list of five shows that Cuban should add to his lineup, to earn himself a Golden Globe to go along with that golden basketball sitting on the rim of a golden hoop trophy thing.


Elevator Pitch: 7th Heaven meets the Office
The Hook: Imagine all the bible thumpers in Kansas, and then imagine them watching your show. THAT'S JUST ONE STATE OF BIBLE THUMPERS.
The Tagline: Jesus took a thorning for you to come on Sunday Morning.
The Time: Noon on Sundays
The Competition: Church
Summarily Speaking: It basically shows the life of a Pastor, who has a whore for a wife, who is leaving him and the only thing he has left is his Sunday morning preaching. He's all sad and shit, and then eventually, through the power of God of course, he finds a new wife, who then dies while pregnant from and overdose in medication from the black physician she is seeing (religious nuts love racism). Then SEASON 2 THE RAPTURE.
The Crucial Ingredient: Everyone needs to be white, except the antagonists. Fact is, religious freaks need to see white things, because they think of angels or clouds or some shit. So the pastor wears white, and the whore wife wears red or something. Subtlety is unnecessary, as most religious people are mentally retarded. You have to be if you don't understand Darwinism.


Elevator Pitch: CSI meet NCIS meets CSI NY meets NCIS LA meets CSI Miami
The Hook: Imagine, the same exact thing as CSI and NCIS, but with different people.
The Tagline: When the criminals shed blood, use the scientific mehthud
The Time: Primetime Tuesday
The Competition: See Elevator Pitch
Summarily Speaking: Old white guy is the lead, with a somewhat hot love interest, some quirky chick, an attractive and young detective, maybe a washed up rapper, and Morpheus. Story line for each episode should have a murder and then a solving of that murder, along with a guy putting on sunglasses and making puns. Then an Aerosmith song.
The Crucial Ingredient: Make it as cut and dry as possible. What America hates is something with depth. No story lines that last from episode to episode. If there is one, it might confuse and scare Americans living in landlocked states. Make sure the murders are not too gruesome, and generally don't affect the Middle Class white Americans, because that scares housewives. 


Elevator Pitch: Every comedy on CBS mixed with every comedy on CBS
The Hook: What if we got a recording of laughs, and then put it in where the laughs should be.
The Tagline: It's not funny, BUT WE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH ANYWAYS
The Time: Primetime Monday
The Competition: Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory
Summarily Speaking: Family has a pet named Carter (it's funny because that's not a dog's name *laughs*) is brought home to a family, that has two kids, one male, one female, around the ages of 7-12 with an attractive wife that registers 9+ and a fat father who is a douchebag. Turns out, the dogs bark sounds like a laugh, and barks when he hears punchlines *laugh*.
The Crucial Ingredient: The jokes should be as menial as can be. We are talking like "Hey honey, Johnny just pooped in the trash can" (cut to wife in kitchen preparing food) "Oh brother" *dog laughs*. Also,  they need to have a funny neighbor who busts in without asking. For some reason that is hilarious. 


Elevator Pitch: American Idol mixed with the Voice and America's Got Talent
The Hook: You listen to people sing. That is all.
The Tagline: Competition was never this heated ... UNTIL NOW.
The Time: Primetime Thursday
The Competition: The X Factor
Summarily Speaking: We go to small towns that haven't been harvested for singing talent, like Tuscaloosa Alabama, and then hold tryouts. We want to get some crazies in there of course, so we'll hire some shitty comedians to come on stage and perform, hold the laugh track though. We are trying to trick Americans. Then we'll get some forgotten singers to judge. Sisqo should be one, with one of the guys from 98 degrees.
The Crucial Ingredient: We need an asshole to rip on people, who is preferably British, but most definitely coked up. As long as he makes people hate him, the show gets the Lebron factor, that makes people watch just to hate said judge. 


Elevator Pitch: Lost spliced with the Event
The Hook: Can't tell you that. It's a fucking secret.
The Tagline: What's right around the corner, could be a monster, OR IS IT?
The Time: Primetime Wednesday 
The Competition: V
Summarily Speaking: An Alcohol Anonymous group is going out to have a beer, when a warp hole sucks them out of their universe, and into an alternate reality, where there is no alcohol, and then they see a monster. But then, Scooby and Shaggy run into the monster and knock off it's mask and it turns out it's just  a farmer. But then, it turns out that the farmer was really part of the CIA who was working on String Theory. But then it turns out that String theory is actually Lint Theory. Then It turns out that the CIA wasn't working on it, but the FBI was, and the farmer was killed because he was MI-6, and he was actually James Bond. And then, the second season.

Or Mark Cuban could just show basketball games or whatever. Probably a 24 hour stream of Lebron sad faces. I would watch that.