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July 1, 2011

Klitschko vs. Haye: Why you should care

The reasons why Saturday's championship bout is important to YOU.

"I've got money on the white guy"
Wladimir Klitschko is probably someone you've never heard of. He's some Ukrainian (or as most people know it "Russian") heavy weight boxer who is boxing on Saturday against a black guy with corn rows (hint: bet on corn rows). The thing is, this Russian guy, he is the heavy weight champion of the world. I know right. I thought it was the blue wale. Those things are way heavier, but this guy is apparently heavier, and Russianier.

Klitschko is totally fighting on Saturday, and for some reason, boxing fans really think we should be watching. "We" as in the normal person, because I can totally afford a $60 pay per view charge for a fucking two to three hour boxing match. Yeah. And to watch a Commie? Fuck no. I'm not watching that shit. We can't trust the Russians. Have you seen their President? I don't even know if Putin does anything. I see pictures of him hunting and stuff and I wonder "does he even do any government stuff." I feel like him being President would be like what Arnold Schwarzenegger being President would be like, which is to say, a joke.

So, I guess this black guy is fighting him from England. I guess this is all Cold War era and shit, but  do I give a shit? No. I don't. I might if it were free. There was once a time when Tecate beer had a promotion where if you bought their beer, you would get the fight for free with the code inside or something. Why don't they do that? That would be awesome, because you don't watch boxing sober. That would be ridiculous. Maybe in Russia you watch it sober, but not fucking here. Here, we drink copiously to watch horses run in dirt (see Kentucky Derby).

Instead, with boxing, I have to throw all my beer money at my local cable or dish provider just to get the channel, and that is a travesty. You expect me, the normal man, to watch boxing with my beer money, JUST DAYS BEFORE FOURTH OF JULY?


I don't adhere to that shit. I'd rather have 4 fingers on my left hand and be blackout on Monday, rather than watch boxing on Saturday. So no, you shouldn't watch the heavy weight boxing championship. Just save up some money for Mayweather and Pacquiao. At least then you can share the cost of it with some friends who might actually give a shit.

Go suck a fat one boxing. Really. Do it.