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June 22, 2011

NBA Lottery Preview

Breakdown of the draft for those who were too lazy to watch the NBA or the NCAA but still, for some reason, want to watch the draft.

14. Houston Rockets
Rockettes? Get it. It's called comedy and I do it.
They are the last team to select, which makes them royally fucked. This means they will be left with the shit tweeners, and in a draft with no one, they're screwed. Yao Ming is totally useless at this point, like a North Korean gaming system, and they really need to add a new asian to supplant him, BUT THERE AREN'T ANY. They have Goran Dragic for the future, and Luis Scolla for the now, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TRANSITIONAL PERIOD. WHERE IS YOUR INTERNATIONAL WHO IS KINDA OK? I've got him for you. His name. Jimmer Ferdette. Oh? you say that Jimmer isn't European? He's from Utah? In my book, Utah is not part of the US. It's more like Puerto Rico in my book.

13. Phoenix Suns
TRADE NASH. TRADE NASH. TRADE NASH. FUCKING TRADE NASH. Finally, TRADE NASH. Then use this draft pick to take the second best twin in the draft, MARKIEFF MORRIS. This addition will give them a front court of pure SECOND BESTS. Robin Lopez and Marieff Morris. Awesome. Then Kieff will need to change his hair, and grow out a fro. That way it looks like there is something wrong with Arizona that makes people have terrible hair. Or maybe, they just do it to distract shooters from hitting their skull (low blow, or should I say high blow).

12. Utah Jazz
What a nigga got to do to get a drink around here?
Utah could not have a more black name for their team, and then to have the whitest fan base and players.  With that type of dichotomy, there is no doubt that this draft will be the opposite of what your expect for the Jazz. Here, you'd think that the Jazz would take Jimmer. NO. NO. They're gonna take Josh Selby. He's the complete opposite of Jimmer. He's black, with crazy ups. He's afraid to dribble the ball, and can barely do it when he needs to. He's a terrible shooter for someone who dropped a game winner on USC. And of course, he's trashy. Just follow him on Twitter and you'll get a lesson in Ebonics. Also, HE LEFT TOO FUCKING EARLY.

11. Golden State Warriors
David Lee doesn't fit on this team. Trade him. Then, they need to get this boy Jordan Hamilton. He shoots jumpers. They have such a lack of shooting on this team. They need to add more shooting. Their big men are solid, and could really carry this team, if ONLY THEY HAD SOME SHOOTING. Of course, at this point, you are noticing the sarcasm in my writing. But they will take Jordan Hamilton, JUST TO SPITE EVERYONE. Goddamn I hope they do too. They'd be even more fun to watch, and last year they were like watching motorcycles drive through Venice, Italy while avoiding a barrage of asteroids. THAT EXCITING.

10. Milwaukee Bucks
This team just straight up blows. Which is why Alec Burks wouldn't feel out of place. Do you know what team Alec played for last year? No you don't. And you won't remember what team he plays on this year this time next year. That's because he IS Corey Maggette, and it would just be too fitting for them to take another average 2 guard. SO PERFECT. And then Bogut can get injured again, and Brandon Jennings can continue to regress. Luckily they are based in Milwaukee and can drink themselves to blackout before every game. And to think, they drafted Dirk. Too bad they traded him.

9. Charlotte Bobcats
I don't know much about this team. All I know is that Sherron Collins was signed as a free agent last year, then let go, only to be asked back on the team, to which he responded by missing the flight back to Charlotte. With that type of track record from KU, HOW CAN YOU NOT DRAFT MARCUS MORRIS. So that's what they'll do. Then he can grow a hitler/MJ stache and shoot fade aways at a rate of 80% on a 20 win team. WHOOO TWEENERS. Then he'll be without a position and then traded to the Celtics. Wait, that's Jeff Green.

8. Detroit Pistons
This next bullet is coming for you Dumars. Or should I say Dumbass?
You know how teams are supposed to Rebuild? Well this one got all the permits, and then went to go buy supplies, and instead of buying wood, bought styrofoam. That's because this team is softer than Northern Quilted ©. Also like Northern Quilted © they have a lot of shit on them. Ben Wallace? Rip Hamilton? Jesus. This team needs a miracle, FROM CONGO. Congo is the new Spain in the NBA. Serge Ibaka is amazing, and so is this mess of vowels, Bismack Biyombo. He's got this crazy wingspan that will make Jay Bilas splooge on TV. Good thing they don't stand, because he will have a boner the entire time he talks about Biyombo. No doubt.

7. Sacramento Kings
Did you ever want to see a backcourt where there were two players doing the exact same thing? With the pick of Kemba Walker, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'LL SEE. If Demarcus Cousins thought he was gonna touch the ball this year, he was sorely wrong. The only way this would work would be if there were two balls on the court at once. Knowing the Kings, this will totally happen, and then their owners will be all "hey we had like no one come so we are moving to LA" and the fans will be like "but there was 49 turnovers a game." Yeah. That's how it will go.

6. Washington Wizards
The Wizards are gonna try and meet their weird white looking black guy quota in this draft with Klay Thompson. This guy is super overrated, but the combo of he and JaVale McGee's skin color will wonder and confound opponents. They just need Jason Kidd, and the triforce would be complete. Then the world would collapse in on itself and implode, creating a whitish looking black hole that destroys the universe.

5. Toronto Raptors
 Ugh. Canadian teams. I'd like them to go to the championship game, and then embarrassingly lose a 3-1 lead, and see if Toronto turns into a city in Congo for the night. That was fun. More Riots please Canada. As for this draft, it's going to be some Euro trash. Probably Jonas Valanciunas or Jan Vesley. Or Brandon Knight if they are smart though.  Either way, of course, we will forget about them all. This team needs to move. Probably to Kansas City. Kansas City Raptors sounds totally badass. Or the Kansas City Hornets, or the Kansas City Kings. All are acceptable.

4. Cleveland Cavaliers
Imma rape you and your fan base.
Let us get this straight. Cleveland, your GM is a fucking idiot who got lucky as shit with this and his other pick. He let Lebron go. He had a chance to get Amar'e, but was too afraid to give up JJ Hickson. FUCKING JJ HICKSON. NO. DON'T HOLD ME BACK. LET ME GET AT DAN GILBERT AND ALL OF THEIR FRONT OFFICE. He's a fucking whiny bitch. Grow the fuck up and run the team like you have a pair. No doubt Lebron stays if Amar'e is there. Fuck it. They'll take Kawhi Leonard, because Cleveland is a bunch fucktards. On the topic of Leonoard, he needs to switch his two names up. His parents must have been drunk when they wrote it on the birth certificate. It's Leonard Kawhi.

3. Utah Jazz
This is going to be a MORMON PICK *kazoo plays*. ENES KANTER. Why? Because it's the good Mormon thing to do. He's white. That is all. Plus, taking Brandon Knight would make too much sense. Although to take fucking Brandon Knight with the pick from the Nets that they got for Deron Williams is gay as hells, and we all know the Mormon take on gays, and their actions. They are not for it. Also, I love Gordon Hayward. He shut down Kobe sometime in March and then I fell in love.

2. Minnesota Timberwolves
They got Rubio finally. SUCCESS! Now to fuck up another draft pick. Derrick Williams will be taken, but they forget, HE'S A FUCKING TWEENER. Tweeners never work. They just don't. THEY DON'T FUCKING WORK. I don't care how athletic, and how good a shooter he is. So was Antoine Walker, and now he is bankrupt. I loved watching him play in college, but that is all he is. PLUS THAT JEW NOSE IS HUGE. ANTI-SEMITISM  IS POPULAR IN MINNESOTA.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers
Seriously, I didn't know we were getting the 1st and 4th pick. Seriously
Dan Gilbert is so deserving of such a draft. There might be 2 or 3 all stars, but they wont be anyone who you expect, and that makes Dan Gilbert have to work his Owner muscle which is essentially as strong as Kevin Durant. What I'm saying is that he is a terrible Owner, so it will be Kyrie Irving. Oh, look at that. Another set of parents that were drunk while filling out the birth certificate. It's pronounced KYLE. Dumbasses. Irving is trash. He's not that good. It's easy to play on a team that won the ship last year and brought back everyone. What is not easy is playing with Baron Davis. Guy is a dick.

Wilt Stilts is a contributor to nothing but this website. You can follow him on twitter @kberthusen and play stickball with him if you are ever in Lawrence, KS.