June 17, 2011
By Wilt Stilts
When I was five, my father began to teach me moral values by enrolling me in the sport of soccer, learning the ways of flopping and being passive aggressive. Soon he introduced me to baseball, where I learned that being lazy and fat can pay off. He once told me, "There is no crying in baseball." He was quoting a movie, but at that point, I knew that if I were to act like a pussy, I would become Rosie O'Donnell. And in no way was I wanting to become a fat lesbian.
I tried my hand at football, where I was placed at offensive guard and defensive end, and learned that most of football is boring. I also learned at that time that being 5'9" and 110 pounds and white did not make a football player. My dad told me that "You should quit." He was right.
My dad was the greatest person to ever live on the planet. There is no arguing it. Upper middle class with an average house and decent gardening skills. Can't beat that. What I'm trying to say is, be really nice to your dad on Sunday, because he was there. Otherwise, you'd end up like Josh Selby, and be a total douche. I don't know if he had a dad, but he acts like he didn't have one. Anyways, let us celebrate Fathers day, if not for your dad, maybe just to spite Josh Selby.