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July 26, 2011

Free Agents You Meet in HELL!!!

A look at NFL players whom Jesus should try to avoid. 


*LIGHNING STRIKE* AH HAH! Welcome to hell everyone. To the left of you on your tray is a pile of bones to which you can snack on, and to you right is is a cup holder for you complimentary beverage today, boiling blood. Looks like we have a famous person today on the decent to hell. Amy Winehouse is here. Let's all give her a round of applause. ENOUGH!

For your entertainment, we have a video that Satan chose just especially for you guys, ON STANDARD DEFINITION.... MWHAHAHAH! *rubs hands maniacally* You will bare witness to Satan's TEN MOST DEADLY FREE AGENTS OF THE CLASS OF 2011. Alright. Let me just pop in this VHS.

*Static on television*




Passenger #1 - OH GOD. MAKE IT STOP!


*video starts*

Satan - Hello everyone and welcome to Satan's Sports, where you find defense wins championships, and the devil wins Armageddon. Today we are talking NFL with Chris Berman analyzing my 10 favorite players in Free Agency.

Passenger #1 - OH GOD. NOT BERMAN!!

Berman - That's right Suffering Succotash Satin. The Master of Masturbation. We are gonna be talking 10 worst free agents in the class of twenty-eleven. Let's get started at number 10.

Satan - Number 10 is Willis McGahee. The kid had upside. At least until I sent my minions to the Miami vs Ohio State national championship game. MWHAHAHA. HIS KNEE CRACKED UNDER PRESSURE LIKE JUDAS. I will no doubt be injuring him this year. Fucker kept taking TD's from Ray Rice. I had Ray Rice on my fantasy team.

Berman - That's "What you talking 'bout" Willis McGahee coming in at 10. Now on to number nine we have Malcom Floyd.

Satan - That's right Chris, we have Floyd who is terrible. I know he had a few good games, but how did he get those games? Of course because of me. I INVENTED greed, and Vincent Jackson was a greedy mother fucker and decided to be held out for three quarters of the season. Trust me on this one guys.

Berman - So you heard it hear first, take a pass on Malcom Floyd Landis. Coming in at number eight.

Satan - Mark Bulger. I wanted to out that Jesus freak, Kurt Warner in St. Louis and so I offered Bulger to sell his soul for the starters job. He took that offer, but little did he know, that in the small print IT WAS ONLY A 4 YEAR GUARANTEED CONTRACT. MWAHAHAHA! HE'S SHITTY NOW.

Berman - No go on Mark "crotch" Bulger. Number seven...


Passenger #2 - Shut up. This is hilarious. *retarded kid*

Satan - Ray Edwards is in at number seven. He's gonna have a heart attack. That's all I have to say about that.

Berman - Ray "Gun" Edwards in at seven. Number six is Ronnie Brown. 

Satan - Ronnie Brown has a knack to be injured. That's mainly because he runs the wildcat formation, and when he does, I AM ANGERED. THE DEVIL IS NOT PLEASED WITH RUNNING BACKS PLAYING OUT OF FORMATION. SATAN'D.

Berman - That was number six Ronnie "what color is your poop?" Brown. In at number five...

Satan - DeAngelo Williams. He is in a Bulger situation where I gave him an offer to sell his soul, AND HE TOOK IT. This time the small print read "You get two good years, and then YOU GO DOWN HILL IN A WAGON FULL OF INJURIES."

Berman - Recapping number six, De "Angel oh no not angels" Williams. In at number four...

Satan - Braylon Edwards. I bought his soul too. He got that DUI, and then I said, "I will make people forget about the DUI and give your hands the ability to catch for your soul." He was souled. MWAHAHA, BUT THE FINE PRINT SAYS THAT THOSE HANDS WILL BECOME STONE AGAIN IN YEAR TWO.

Berman - Braylon "special" EDwards in at four. Next on the list at number three, Ricky Williams. 

Satan - He was doing my bidding for a year or two there when he quit. Smoking weed and not pursuing his dreams. THAT IS THE DEVIL'S WAY AS ANY BIBLE THUMPER WILL TELL YOU. So to reward him, I gave him a few more good years. BUT NOW HE HAS USED THOSE YEARS UP. SMOKE 100 BOWLS OR YOU WILL BE FINISH IN THIS LEAGUE RICKY.

Berman - Ricky "Cheech and Bong" Williams at three. Number two on the list of least desireable Free Agents...

Satan - Terrell Owens. He's done. That's all. He had a good career and will be a Hall of Famer. But he's done. I don't have anything to do with him.

Berman - Terrell "he's in debt so now he" OWEns. Finally, at the top of the list, the number one worst player in free agency. Take it away Satan.

Satan - The worst free agent available in the market of 2011, Santonio Holmes. He sold his soul three years back to catch the winning touchdown pass in the super bowl. I wrote in that he would also have some good years after that. He was sold by my contract, BUT THERE WERE STIPULATIONS. I CAN ENTER HIS LIFE WITH ANY NUMBER OF DEADSPIN STORIES ABOUT HIM. That DUI. That was me. His sexting photo. ALL ME. AND WAIT FOR THE FINALY THIS YEAR. JUST WAIT.

Berman - Wow. Surprising pick at number one in Santonio "whale's vagina" Holmes. Free Agency ends in two weeks, so prepare your fantasy drafts and get ready. The season is AH-COMMIN'.

Satan - And from all of us at Satan Sports, thanks for watching, and have a happy eternity.