THIS IS YOUR GOD. ACCEPT HIM. - Movie Executive #951
This post is made in the style of Fire Joe Morgan, which took articles from the internet, and then added commentary. Each line in italics is that commentary. Deal with it.
In predicting who might be nominated for Worst Actor, first you have to ask: What does the Golden Raspberry look for in its leading men? It’s a question that drives Razzie gurus crazy.
I'd venture to assume that they don't go crazy over choosing the actors, but having to sit through the movies. Choosing at that point is the easiest part. I couldn't imagine sitting for 4 hours of current Vince Vaughn.
Sometimes the winners of the Worst Actor award are megastars like Eddie Murphy, John Travolta, and Adam Sandler. Sometimes the winners barely qualify as actors at all: the Jonas Brothers, George W. Bush, Roberto Benigni.
Sometimes, gay men have sex with other gay men. Sometimes the earth has tremors. Sometimes, AND I MEAN SOMETIMES, people don't see eye to eye on things.
Occasionally, an actor will dominate an era, as Kevin Costner did the 1990s, a decade in which he was nominated six times (and won three Razzies). But sometimes an actor will leap from obscurity with a performance for the ages, as Tom Green did when he won the Razzie for Freddy Got Fingered in 2001. (He’s still the only Worst Actor winner to accept his award in person.)
Sometimes you can't find your car keys. Sometimes you have a dead racoon in your attic. Sometimes there are solar flares that knock out satellites. Sometimes construction workers die. Sometimes Barney molests children.
... But you don’t care about the numbers! You only care who’s going to taste sweet, sweet RAZZberry come (ed: cum) January 23! So let’s do some soothsayin’.
LET'S RELATE TO PEOPLE BY LOSING THAT BLODDY G AT THE END OF SOOTHSAYING. G's ARE SO MAINSTREAM.
The Bottom Five
Of course, like so much in Razzie-world, these predictions will be endlessly revised, reconsidered, and revamped right up until that magic night. In order of how confident we feel about their chances:
Adam Sandler, Just Go With It and Jack & Jill Sandler’s guaranteed to combine this nod with a Worst Actress nomination for Jack & Jill, and it’s entirely possible he’ll win both.
He's a shoo-in every year. That shouldn't be possible though. How can someone be consistently in the Razzies and still have a job? I can do everything that Sandler does. *FUNNY FACE* *FART SOUND* *NUT TAP* *POOP* *LITTLE KIDS LAUGHING* *ANIMAL TALKS*
Harrison Ford, Cowboys & Aliens It’s hard to believe Ford has never been nominated for a single Razzie, but this looks like his year. Could sentimental voters push him to a win?
What? I don't think you can ride Cowboys & Aliens to a Razzie. It's just TOO GOOD. COWBOYS. THEY HAVE HORSES AND PISTOLS. ALIENS. THEY HAVE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY. ALL FIGHTING FOR OLIVIA WILDE AND HER EYES THAT ARE ONLY COMPARABLE ON THE KILLING SPECTER TO MEDUSA.
Martin Lawrence, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son A career-capping role in a beloved trilogy looks like a shoo-in for a nomination.
I don't think black people are stupid, I just think they have stupid people among them, just like how white people have the South. I think that is how these movies got made. Also that music in the trailer is irresistible. IT TAKES TO TO MAKE IT OUT OF SIGHT. I don't know if that's the words, but when that large black chick yells it, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.
Robert Pattinson, Water for Elephants and Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I Robbed last year of his rightful prize (for Remember Me and Eclipse), it’s hard to imagine he won’t at least pick up a nomination this time around.
I heard he was good in Water for Elephants, where he fucked Reese Witherspoon. I think he fucked her. Maybe the elephant did? Maybe that was why the elephant was wet. MAYBE THAT WATER FOR THE ELEPHANT CAME FROM WITHERSPOON'S VAGAY. So many questions. So few answers.
Russell Brand, Arthur and Hop While neither of these films intruded on the public consciousness all that much, Brand’s grating public persona (and his marriage to likely Worst Supporting Actress nominee Katy Perry) make him a real contender for Razzie.
Russell Brand is a cunt. You cannot possibly give him the lead in a movie. He's only supporting, because his half gay, half ladies man shit is annoying for a whole movie.
Keep a close eye on these hopefuls — they’re hungry for razzberry!
Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry and Season of the Witch Two-time Razzie nominee Cage has a real shot if his Joel Schumacher thriller Trespass — which Cage dropped out of once and switched roles in twice — sneaks in a late 2011 release.
Um, this guy is the leader in the club house. These two movies were so shitty that even homeless people left the theater to go sleep outside. How the fuck is this a runner up? This guy is the Albert Pujols of the Razzies. Fuck this list. Heh. Pujols.
Kevin James, The Dilemma and Zookeeper Zookeeper’s disappointing grosses suggest it’s no Blart. But James mysteriously retains some measure of good will.
THERE IS NO DILEMMA IN WHICH PERSON SHOULD GET THE RAZZIE. IT'S FUCKING KEVIN JAMES. How is he a runner up. Seriously. He's like the Albert Puj... I mean, Lionel Messi of shit movies. Watching 90 minutes of Kevin James has been proven to make you more willing to watch Glenn Beck, and Jeff Dunham SIMULTANEOUSLY. Fucking runner-up? What the fuck?
Ryan Reynolds, Green Lantern Reynolds, too, seems widely liked among moviegoers, even if they don’t give a crap about his superhero movie.
He sucks, but not that bad. At least his hair distracts you from his pecks which distracts you from his acting. Don't know why we would put a CANADIAN in as a super hero. They don't have the GRAVITAS to complete such a move. YOU NEED BALLS CANADIANS. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
Anthony Hopkins, The Rite Nominated for Worst Actor in the very first Razzies, in 1980, Hopkins has certainly been ignored for his share of howlers since then, so I’m not convinced he has the Razzie clout necessary to secure a nod for this minor thriller.
I don't know what this sentence is saying. He should be nominated for spelling "right" wrong though.
New This "Weak"
Two wide releases this week, neither one suffering the kind of toxic buzz that makes RazzieWatchers prick up their ears and take notice. Friends With Benefits seems innocuous enough, although creative voters might consider it a rip-off of No Strings Attached and make it eligible in the Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel category.
One note on Friends with Benefits. You don't capitalize "with." It's a filler word. It's like capitalizing "a" or "of". Fucking idiots. One more note. I cannot tell you how terrible this movie is for men with a girlfriend. I know it's going to suck, BUT WOMEN DON'T. And it's just sneaky enough to get you fooled into watching it. DON'T DO IT MEN. NUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL YOUR WOMEN THAT YOU ARE GONNA WATCH THE DARK KNIGHT FOR THE 4TH TIME THIS WEEK.
Captain America: First Avenger would have to be really terrible to even qualify as the worst superhero movie of the summer, much less the year, much less a Razzie contender. But a true Razzie fan is always dreaming!
ALWAY DREAMING OF A DAY WHERE WE CAN EAT MOTH BALLS. A DAY WHERE OXYGEN LEVELS SKYROCKET. A DAY WHEN CARPET BECOMES SOFT LIKE THE BOTTOM OF A SWIFFER. A DAY WHERE EVERYONE WEARS SNUGGIES TO BOARD MEETINGS.
On the "Bore"-izon
I had been on the fence about The Smurfs (ed: how?). Surely the presence of Neil Patrick Harris meant this movie would retain a modicum of wit (ed: eh?). Surely the Smurfs wouldn’t, like, play Rock Band and ride skateboards and say things like “No Smurf left behind!” or “I just Smurfed in my mouth,” right? (ed: only if that smurf just took a smurf load to the face. That would be funny) And thenthis motherSmurfing trailer came out, and I changed my tune (ed: itune to be exact). The Smurfs is now officially a contender!
WEIGHING IN AT 3 OZ, THIS SMURF. NOW WITH A CHANCE AT THE RAZZIE TITLE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. Yes John. I can believe it. Because it's THE FUCKING SMURFS. They weren't good in the 80's, the world was just too dumb to realize it. YOU FEIGNING HOPE IS AS RIDICULOUS AS ALEX MORGAN NOT MARRYING ME. THAT'S RIDICULOUS RIGHT. RIGHT? RIGHT GUYS?!
Dan Kois is a veteran Razzie guru and the author of Prince of Thieves, Guarder of Body: Kevin Costner in the ‘90s.
Wilt Stilts is a veteran FJMer and the author of Princess of the Night Walkers, Guardian of Bodily Fluids: Tom Selek in the '80s.