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July 19, 2011

When a Long Shot is Your Best Complaint

Are the Pittsburgh Pirates really in the National League playoff race? Are they still complaining?

If only this home run went further...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is a city that has been dealt a royal fuck from the deck of sports cards. Can you believe a city that only has THREE championships in the last decade? Neither can I. Beirut has more championships that this city. Such a sad collection of athletics from this area. It's been a whole 2 years since they won a championship. TWO YEARS. 

How can their statues NOT crumble underneath that type of futility. Two long years since the Penguins won the Stanley cup in 2009. They've been so bad for so long that congress has gone from democrat controlled to republican in the absence of a championship. They've been held without championship since the OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. Parks and Recreation had only been on television for ONE SEASON. It is currently in its THIRD. What a terrible length of misfortune for one town.

And let's be honest, hockey isn't even a real sport, so if you take that out of the mix, it's been a whole THREE YEARS since the Steelers beat the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl. Three years. Oh the agony. Oh the humanity. We must call FEMA to clear this devastation of town moral that is Pittsburgh. How can people go on with day to day activities with such a burden strangle holding their sports lives.

If I was forced to live in the city of steel, I would not only be clinically depressed, but would also have attempted suicide on bridges over each of the three rivers outside of Three Rivers Stadium. If that didn't work, I would lace a bottle of Heintz ketchup with 40 Tylenol and down it like a jersey chaser downs James Harrison's cock. You know why? BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD BE IN RUINS.

To have such misfortune would only leave me to one conclusion: death. But, a glimmer of hope beacons in the distance. A chance to be brought back from the light at the end of the tunnel, and reincarnated AS A PIRATE. FORE TODAY, THE CITY IS VIBRANT AGAIN. THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES ARE IN FIRST PLACE. 

*sounds conch shell* 

Come my brethren. Feed on the success that has been so missed over the last many years. The darkness of this city has finally been lit, by the bright yellow jerseys of Andrew McCutchen and Lyle Overbay, bringing us from the basements of ruin, TO THE GLORY OF THE ATTIC, SITTING ATTOP THE CENTRAL DIVISION MANOR. WE HAVE DONE THE DEED. WE HAVE BECOME RELEVANT AS A CITY. AND WITH OUR NEW MAYOR, WIZ KHALIFA, WE SHALL RIDE MILLIONS STRONG INTO THE THE PEAKS OF PROSPERITY AND THE PLATEAUS OF PROMINENCE. WE ARE THE PITTSBURGH FAITHFUL.

Wilt Stilts is a master at sarcasm and has once said that "George W. Bush was the greatest president ever to grace this planet." Visit him at his website or on twitter @kberthusen.