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July 29, 2011

Kobe Takes Manilla; NBA Not Invited/Forgot to RSVP

"I take all the SSSSSSSSSSShotsssssHISSSSS"

When Mario Pachiko walks the walkways of his Zoo, he constantly thinks of the stories of how those animals got there. The gorilla, he was tranquillized just outside the cage he is in right now. The giraffe was a present for David Schwimmer after his role in Madagascar, but because of zoning violations in Los Angeles, Schwimmer had to find a new home for Melvin.

"I remember when Melvin got here. He was just a little calf, or as I like to say, 'gircalf'." Pachiko said as he laughed.

The Thrilla in Manilla zoo here in the Philippines is a one stop shop for exotic animals. If you want to see a dung beetle, this is your place. They're all over. In the cages. In the road. In your hotel room. It is the definition of exotic. Even with all the depth in his zoo catalog, Pachiko still had one missing piece. A certain snake.

"I don't have a black mamba. Can't afford a real one. They die too easily in this warm and moist climate. It needs to be arid."

A quick wikipedia check shows you his problem. Black mambas are native to Africa, and although both the Philippines and Africa are close to the equator, they have very different climates.

"Africa is dry. We get rain all the time. To compare it to America, It's like Seattle to Los Angeles."

Recently though, Pachiko has maybe found himself a replacement to heal his black mamba woes.

"Kobe Bryant is coming in town."

That's right. With the NBA up in the air about next season, Kobe has been out looking to find some practice to keep in shape, and his first destination, you guessed it, Manilla.

"I can't afford to just hire Kobe. It's pretty expensive. The thing is though, he's pretty old now. I think I could hunt him down and tranquilize him pretty easy. I've got a trap set in place. I have a fat head of Pau Gasol missing layups. That should get his attention."

Pachiko plans on Kobe's instinct reaction to run over and yell at/punch the Gasol fat head. At that point ...

"I'm gonna shoot him. We already have a cage for him. It's a half court made bamboo wood floor and painted yellow so there won't be a habitat change shock. We've given him some basketballs too. I'm not sure what he eats, but I know McDonalds is popular in America, so we imported 50,000 Big Macs."

Seems like this time, Kobe will be the one held against his will in a hotel this time. It's funny how Karma always seems to get you.

Wilt Stilts is purveyor of everything Philippines and absolutely loves the porn made from that country. Visit him at or on twitter @kberthusen.