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July 7, 2011


What happens when the NFL season gets shortened. Things get weird.

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the Darrent Williams
In 1982, a place kicker was awarded the MVP trophy. This was all due to the simple fact that the league was in a lockout during the first part of the season, resulting in a shortened season. Fast forward 30 years and you'd be in the same situation as in '82, with a lockout looming for the 2011-12 season. Why is this important? Because the past repeats itself.

Weird stuff happened in 1982, and no doubt there will be weird stuff in 2011. Free Agency hasn't happened yet. It's July and mini camps should be springing up very soon, and yet they are not. It's so weird, that it wouldn't surprise me to see the players wearing weird helmets when they come back (to block concussions). But none of that is as weird as a place kicker winning the MVP. So, what will happen this year to the NFL, so that history repeats itself. It has to. It's the law, OF TIME.

I think I know. Tom Brady is going to come out of the closet. Not from his Louis Vuitton studded closet, although that leaves quite a hint on what closet he is coming out of. What I'm trying to say is that Tom Brady is gay. I'm calling it. And he's going to be so gay pride that the double rainbow guy would take one look at him a say "OH MY GAWD DOUBLE RAINBOW FLAG."

Why is this possible? Because gay marriage passed in New York, and everyone knows Tom Brady lives in New York. It shall happen. All because of the Lockout. See, when you're a closeted homosexual in the NFL, it is pretty hard to keep it closed I imagine. Lots of the greatest athletes around you and you are attracted to them. Thanks to the Lockout though, he hasn't had that constant stream of male spank bank flowing though his brain, leaving him weary of his wife. Therefore, as the lockout continues, the more and more likely he will come out of the closet.

Weird right? WRONG. NOT WEIRD ENOUGH. That is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. I think it is going to come out that Roger Goodell is actually a robot, created by the owners to control the league the way they want it, like a business. "WEAR. YOUR. SOCKS. THIS HIGH." "MASTERS SAY, DO NOT INCREASE PLAYER SALARY." "FOR DANCING TOO HARD IN ENDZONE, A FINE OF 200,000 CURRENCY."

I am entirely sure he is a robot. ENTIRELY. I've witnessed him maybe four times, and all four of them have been at the draft, and all four times he hasn't even considered an emotion. Yet no one suspects him. Silly public. Granted, he's a really good robot. He doesn't do the dance or anything, which would be sure tip off, but I know my robots. I had a Furby when I was a kid. Trust me on this.

BUT THAT'S NOT WEIRD ENOUGH. He's going to become sentient, and then side with the players some time in October. Then, the players and RoboRoger are going to team up against the owners. They will win of course, because they have a robot.

STILL NOT WEIRD ENOUGH. Then the players plus GooDell are going to go to Africa and save all the Africans from hunger and starvation (REDUNDANT). But, before they can, robot Goodell is going to have a meltdown because he's powered by nuclear energy, and he's in Africa so it's really hot. His cooling system is going to fail, and the Japanese are going to send their technicians, but they don't know what they are doing, and he's going to explode and destroy Madagascar, and Sri Lanka. It's going to be a very specific blast that blows up in the Indian Ocean. Why? Because it's weird. And then the players will fly back to the US and the NFL season will start ... in November.


Wilt Stilts has a small but very develolped part of the brain, allowing him to soothsay with ease. You can follow his findings at his website or on twitter @kberthusen.